Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dear Sam's Club, You suck.

Today I decided that I am going to steal something from Sam's Club. "But," you say to me, "Sarah, that's illegal and morally reprehensible! Why would you want to do that? Is that really who you are... deep down?" No. I'm not a stealer. I mean thief. (I'm an English major!) When the people at the grocery store forget to ring up my cases of Diet Coke, I remind them, and if after I remind them, they still don't do it, I go to the service desk and tell what happened, and pay. I'm awesome that way.

The reason I want to steal from Sam's Club is because the lines are always so long and because after you wait 20 minutes in line and pay, you walk a straight line TWENTY FEET to the exit and before you can get the HELL out of there, some lady has to check your slip against everything in your cart and okay it on the receipt with a highlighter.

What the fuck is with that?

And she really checks! She moves things and looks under other things. What could I possibly steal while I walked in a line from the cash register to the door? What happens if they don't check it? Who's checking for the stupid highlighter mark? Why must they waste my time being totally redundant and insulting at the same time? "Just makin' sure nobody steals!" Like it would be hard to steal something if you really wanted to.

Today the anti-theft lady made comments about what I was buying! Ugh! Shut up lady! I don't care if you also use the half-gallon jug of Astro-Glide and it has changed your marriage. I don't care, and I'm already pissed off because I've just waited in TWO long lines.

So the next time I go, I'm taking something. I haven't decided on what yet. Probably something small and cheap because I don't want to commit grand larceny and I don't think I could slip a big screen tv past even the dumbest employee. Any ideas?


  1. Weird, I posted a comment on this item a while it is gone. Have I been edited?

    Anyway, I would steal an iridescent pink highlighter.
    I would use said highlighter to mark my own receipt en route from the checkout line to the "leaving the store" line.
    Finally, I would walk directly past the "security" hag with her too-personal comments about your purchases and incessant pawing through what is now legally your property. If confronted, I would proffer my already-marked receipt and casually stroll out of the store before her head exploded trying to reconcile the paradox of what just happened.

  2. Interesting note: The Sam's Club membership agreement reads, with respect to receipt checking:

    "Receipts: To ensure that you are charged correctly for the merchandise you have selected, you will be requested to show your receipt when exiting."

    That is a request, not a mandate. Next time you're feeling froggish at "the Club", just walk out and say "No, thanks!" when they demand your receipt. Should be fun to watch the reaction. I plan to try it tomorrow when I'm there.

  3. Jared: I would never edit you. That would be like "putting Baby in a corner" ... from Dirty Dancing, best movie line EVER." I don't know what happened with your previous post. That sucks that it's gone because it was a terrific suggestion and if I can muster the guts, I'm going to try it. Looking for a pink highlighter right now.... I'll let you know how it turns out. Even if I have to use my one phone call to do it.

  4. Actually, "You're out of your element Donnie," is my favorite movie line.

  5. I can't think of a favorite quote now, but I can tell you that the name "Donny" has been forever ruined for me since witnessing an Upright Citizens' Brigade episode many years ago. It's almost completely wrong, for which I love it...UCB rules:

  6. Weird I JUST read an article on club stores online a couple of days said in the article that they check your receipt to make sure you were charged the right price for the items BUT that it is illegal for them to check the items in your cart against the receipt...there was alot more if you want to know you will have to E-MAIL me...if you have time to blog you have time to e-mail your sister back from the last two e-mails she sent you.

  7. they can't possibly know how much each item costs. sam's club is part of wal-mart they're bloodsuckers and won't allow union-organizing.

    the old man's dead, but the kids are the richest people in the united states. There's a list somewhere and they are in the top ten. I might be wrong, but they're like #'s 4, 5, 6 & 7.

    And they (walmart) sued a woman to get back money she earned in a lawsuit while injured on the job to recoup their insurance loses. So she was left penniless (no money to live on in a disabled condition that costs money to support her living and treatment). They only gave the money back after months of public outcry wouldn't stop.

    They are "bastard people" and I "hate their ass face". (gotta love guffman)


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