Mowing the lawn was once my favorite chore and I don't really know why because I get scratched up and strangled almost every time by the murderous trees all over the yard. Today I was mowing the lawn and because it rained this morning, every time I would mow near one of the dozens of pine trees, I would get soaked with water that would make me sharply inhale with it's bracing freezingness. On one of these pine-tree-passes, I deeply inhaled a bug. I think it was a fly of some sort because I didn't feel any beetle-like hardness. I immediately started coughing so hard that I had to stop the mower so I could gag and have some melodramatic dry heaves. I couldn't get it up. It's still stuck down there deep in the lowest part of my lung and as I sit here I can feel it irritating the lining of my lung and I know I'll get a cyst that turns into an infection that turns into pneumonia that will result in an ugly, undignified, and early death. People will have conversations like this:
friend #1 - Did you hear about Sarah?
friend #2 - Sarah who?
friend #1 - Sarah Lindahl
friend #2 - Oh yeah, isn't she the one who loves dollar store tuna and has a skin 'stache?
friend #1 - Well, she had a skin 'stache, but I think you're thinking of her sister, Beth.
friend #2 - Anyway, what about her?
friend #1 - She DIED.
friend #2 - Oh My God! From what?
friend #1 - Guess.
friend #2 - Cancer? Car accident? Oh, I know, it was a drug overdose, wasn't it?
friend #1 - No. She inhaled a bug!
friend #2 -.............
friend #1 - ..............
friend #2 - Shut up.
friend #1 - I'm not even kidding.
both friends together: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
friend #2 - Oh, that's a good one! I can't wait to tell everyone I know!
friend #1 - I know, right?
and I won't be remembered for all my good deeds and how I made this part of the world just a little brighter, they will just be talking about how I died from breathing in a bug.
The other night when Mitch and I went to the movie I'm pretty sure I ate a bug. I got a popcorn and ate the entire thing, and then I was eating the pieces I dropped on my front and I think I had one of these bugs on me:
and I mistook it for a piece of popcorn and ate it. I think it was this kind of bug because that was about the size of it and I find about ten of these on me every time I go outside. It had a very strong taste to it that was definitely not a piece of popcorn. You know how lady-bugs smell when you vacuum them or squash them? It was kind of like that but just different enough so I don't think it was a lady-bug. That taste stayed with me for a long, long time and totally ruined the popcorn.