Saturday, July 24, 2010

Hey bugs, why don't you go flour your nuts

Mowing the lawn was once my favorite chore and I don't really know why because I get scratched up and strangled almost every time by the murderous trees all over the yard.  Today I was mowing the lawn and because it rained this morning, every time I would mow near one of the dozens of pine trees, I would get soaked with water that would make me sharply inhale with it's bracing freezingness.  On one of these pine-tree-passes, I deeply inhaled a bug.  I think it was a fly of some sort because I didn't feel any beetle-like hardness.  I immediately started coughing so hard that I had to stop the mower so I could gag and have some melodramatic dry heaves.  I couldn't get it up.  It's still stuck down there deep in the lowest part of my lung and as I sit here I can feel it irritating the lining of my lung and I know I'll get a cyst that turns into an infection that turns into pneumonia that will result in an ugly, undignified, and early death.  People will have conversations like this:

friend #1 - Did you hear about Sarah?
friend #2 - Sarah who?
friend #1 - Sarah Lindahl
friend #2 - Oh yeah, isn't she the one who loves dollar store tuna and has a skin 'stache?
friend #1 - Well, she had a skin 'stache, but I think you're thinking of her sister, Beth.
friend #2 - Anyway, what about her?
friend #1 - She DIED.
friend #2 - Oh My God!  From what?
friend #1 - Guess.
friend #2 - Cancer?  Car accident? Oh, I know, it was a drug overdose, wasn't it?
friend #1 - No.  She inhaled a bug!
friend #2 -.............
friend #1 - ..............
friend #2 - Shut up.
friend #1 - I'm not even kidding.
both friends together: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
friend #2 - Oh, that's a good one!  I can't wait to tell everyone I know!
friend #1 - I know, right?

and I won't be remembered for all my good deeds and how I made this part of the world just a little brighter, they will just be talking about how I died from breathing in a bug. 

The other night when Mitch and I went to the movie I'm pretty sure I ate a bug.  I got a popcorn and ate the entire thing, and then I was eating the pieces I dropped on my front and I think I had one of these bugs on me:


and I mistook it for a piece of popcorn and ate it.  I think it was this kind of bug because that was about the size of it and I find about ten of these on me every time I go outside.  It had a very strong taste to it that was definitely not a piece of popcorn.  You know how lady-bugs smell when you vacuum them or squash them?  It was kind of like that but just different enough so I don't think it was a lady-bug.  That taste stayed with me for a long, long time and totally ruined the popcorn.

4 comments:

  1. I am going to go like that too! Something stupid. My children will forever be known as the kids whose mother was trampled to death by a herd of goats...

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  2. You should avoid inhaling and ingesting bugs.

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  3. Poor you! Bugs are the WORST. I once closed my eye on a bug and it got smushed. Gross!

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  4. Theresa - That must have been a pretty small bug or else you have very powerful eyelids.

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