Friday, July 30, 2010

Why I'm chunky and what I'm doing about it

I had a baby a little while ago

my baby

and I'm still struggling with the baby weight. I've decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns and get things back under control.  According to the insurance weight tables, I'm overweight.  Here's a picture of a perfectly healthy person according to those tables:

  I'm. So. HUNGRY!

Just kidding.  I'm sure she's on the thin side of those tables. Probably. The only reason I am overweight is because of having stupid babies. My body was perfect before.  My legs seemed longer and more gazelle-like, and not at all out of proportion with my long torso and short t-rex arms.  Pregnancy is a cruel mistress.  My weight issues are not because I have a niggling emotional problem, like Oprah always says, or because I am drawn to and totally in love with full-fat Cheez-its. (did you know they are made with lard?) (seriously, I ate so many once that I thought Mitch would have to take me to the vet to get my stomach unflipped.)

Mmmmmm.... cheezy, salty lard......

I can't help it if lard is delicious.  Pie crusts, Cheez-its, flaky perfect goodness.......

Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh, yes.  I'm getting in shape and healthy.  I'm getting my pre-pregnancy body back and you know who is helping me?  Stupid Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser.  I got her DVD called "30 Day Shred" because I've heard it is a super workout and it's only 20 minutes long.  I am not a fan of Jillian Michaels.  I think she's kind of dumb and mean and melodramatic and I'm a little bit afraid of her angry mouth, but I thought I'd put my feelings aside because I need a good workout DVD.  Even the title annoys me: 30 Day Shred.  What exactly is a shred?  Isn't that a verb?  If you really want to push it I suppose it could be an adjective but it is definitely not a noun, stupid Jillian. 

There are three workouts on this DVD and I'm still in the beginner stage.  I'm motivated to get in shape enough to move on to the intermediate workout if only because then I won't have to listen to her stupid voice saying the same stupid things that she says in this particular workout.  She says if we want to get in shape we have to "fight for it," as in "Come on! One more! FIGHT FOR IT!"  After I fight for it I get to "own it."  The process for "owning it" involves "digging for it."  "It," I'm assuming is good health and a shapely body.  I hope that's what it is.  Maybe I shouldn't assume.  Maybe "it" is something bad that I don't want.  She never really clarifies what exactly "it" is.

Another thing that bothers me about this workout is that Jillian is wearing sweatpants made for a six year old.  Seriously, they are skin tight and only go to her knees.  Not stylish, Jillian.

Sweatpants courtesy of Gymboree

But what bothers me the most is that I need to do this in the first place.  I have a muffin top and cottage cheese thighs (Mmmmmmm... muffins and cottage cheeeeeeeeeeese...) and I'm kind of mad at myself for letting it happen.  But it's not my fault.  Oprah, Cheez-its, and Kira are ultimately the ones to blame.

(Am I "owning it" yet, Jillian?)

8 comments:

  1. See, this is why I stayed fat...so when I have the baby, I don't have to watch my body go to hell! Only kidding, and while this was funny as usual...you look great! OH..and Jillian can kiss my ass...she's been quoted as saying that she'd never have a baby because it would ruin her body...whatever....can't have Skeletor as a mom!

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  2. I'll write a comment when I can stop thinking about Cheez-Its.

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  3. I seem to recall a really skinny picture of you sitting on your steps NEXT to Kira. SO STOP BLAMING HER!! :)

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  4. Shred reminds me of cheese, so I couldn't do that workout because of that! I like cheese! Good luck!

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  5. Stupid babies - ha ha!

    Our bodies go though a lot of abuse when we're pregnant. And I think we get into bad snacking habits with our babies too. Good luck.

    I've always been successful when I've cut out snacks, moved more, have smaller portions, and add more fruits and veggies. If I eat the bland, healthy stuff, I'd be miserable.

    I hope that picture of the model was doctored.

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  6. Just surround yourself with fat dumb and happies like me.... see, better?

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  7. Dana McKibbage WaldbilligAugust 4, 2010 at 6:18 PM

    I LOVE The Shred! I told you to start that one months ago!!

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  8. Two things.

    1) Ew ew to that skinny model...how did that HAPPEN?? I mean, not how did she get skinny, but how did anyone decide they should take a picture of her for fashion?

    2) I'm going to say the thing you don't want to hear: you've got to just not buy cheez-its. At least if you are like me. I'll plan out exactly how many is in a serving, get it in a little bowl, and then 2 hours later I'm laying on the floor next to an empty box with cracker crumbs in my hair. The best thing to happen to my love handles was unemployment--I stopped buying snacks to save on money.

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