What I'm going to tell you about today is my old friend Michelle. She was my college roommate in the dorms my sophomore year of college. I was supposed to have a room by myself and for one blissful week I did, and then Michelle moved in with her stupid red fur blanket and one-eyed-goldfish and toothed frog. She was pissed off because she didn't want to be in school at all and her dad was making her, and I was pissed off because I didn't want a roommate. To top it off she was thin and blond and busty. Yeah, I really needed to compete with that. Helping her move in was her incredibly stupid boyfriend, Brent, who was also a total dick. I knew he was stupid right away because after hauling a load of her crap into our room he looked around and said, "How do you get out of this place?" It was a dorm room. One room, one door. I just gaped at him and said, "......um.....the door," and he turned around and saw the door and said, "Oh." I automatically assumed that Michelle was just as stupid, but she wasn't so her relationship with Brent boggled my mind. When we got over our initial pissiness we got along great. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that Brent was the first in a longish line of traumatic and hilarious relationships Michelle had while we were in college.
Michelle had this ridiculous idea of what a relationship should be. She needed to be treated like a lady and was mortified by anything gross, or crude, or tacky from anyone who she was intimate with. It was weird because she and I had extensive discussions about varieties of body cheese and pooping experiences. I think she was limiting herself by not allowing those topics in her romantic relationships. Mitch and I have spent literally hours talking about things in the gross, crude and tacky categories. I think it has brought us closer.
Michelle went out with Brent for a long time and went through many ups and downs but what finally broke them up was when they were at a party together and they were talking to some friends. Brent started laughing really hard about something and accidentally farted kind of loudly. Michelle thought farting was unforgivable and Brent knew it so when he saw the look of mortification on her face he locked himself in the bathroom and cried and wouldn't come out. It was a huge scene. The party host finally got him to unlock the door so he could talk to Brent. The whole party could hear Brent bawling uncontrollably. Michelle broke up with him that night. It was horrible for her, but when she came home and told me about it I literally peed my pants laughing.
Michelle and her dick boyfriend, Brent the farter
I thought she should have broken up with him long before that for a million other reasons. Like the time he called our room in the middle of the night because he got arrested and needed to be bailed out. He didn't even get arrested for anything cool like protesting or art heist. What he did was purposely run over his mother's neighbor's garbage cans in a fit of vengeance for some stupid thing. And then he got caught. By the police. And because he was such an asshole, he got arrested. What a DICK.
One time they had plans for a fancy dinner date and Michelle was fussing over what she would wear. I suggested an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt and she thought that was mean and told me that I didn't know him well enough and he wasn't that dumb and I shouldn't be so judgemental, blah blah blah. Earlier in the day they had gone shopping at the mall and he got a burgundy turtleneck and a pair of neon green shorts on clearance. As Michelle was giving me my lecture, I could see him out the window getting out of his car. He was wearing the burgundy turtleneck and the green shorts together. For their fancy date. When she saw him she said, "Oh, Brent, no." and they had to go back to his house so he could change.
After Brent, she briefly went out with another guy named Eric who was also incredibly stupid, but much more likeable and he didn't live with his mother, so that was a plus. He had his own apartment which at the time was super cool and grownup! One time we went on a double date and Eric was talking about skiing in Colorado. He said, "It snowed a ton that first night, like....like...FEETS." Feets of snow. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue either because he said "feets" two more times. I would have broke up with him for that, but she didn't. She broke up with him because he liked porn.
Eric went home for the weekend once and Michelle was staying at his apartment. She called me in a panic and told me I needed to come over right away because she needed help. It was an EMERGENCY! I was worried that she was hurt or something so of course I went over. She was in a tizzy because she found a tape in his VCR titled "Splash Shots" and she was worried it was a porn. She wanted me to watch a few seconds of it and tell her for sure one way or the other. She couldn't bring herself to watch even two seconds of it. I said fine, I would do that and as I was about to start the tape she shrieked, "MAKE SURE THE SOUND IS OFF!" Turns out it was a porn and she sat next to me with her eyes squeezed shut, her hands over her ears (just in case I didn't turn the sound off, which I didn't) and holding her breath. I said, "Don't worry, it's not a porn," and she opened her eyes to see a disgustingly graphic pool orgy. (Ha ha, that was funny!) She was mortified and cleared out of his apartment and never spoke to him again because she was pretty sure he was a problem-masturbator. (He probably was.)
A few years later she was dating a stupid but nice body-builder who she really liked. He was very sweet, like a labrador retriever. One time when they were getting intimate he was overcome by her beauty and his feelings and he said, "I just love your.... your....bazongas." Bazongas! She told me she got up, started gathering her clothes and was saying, "No, no, no, no, no, ....." He was probably Mr. Right but he lost any chance he had by saying the word bazongas. I'll have to include that little tip the next time Sam and I have "the talk." (don't say bazongas to your girlfriend) He'll appreciate that. That reminds me of the time that Mitch's mother watched an Oprah episode about how teenagers were accidentally dying while practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation so she felt it was her motherly duty to warn her sons of the dangers of using props while masturbating. Apparently it was mortifying for all parties. But they're all still alive! Better safe than sorry!