I woke up this morning and asked Mitch to take me out back and shoot me. I'm having some ankle problems and apparently that's more physical discomfort than I can take so I'd never be a really good chronic pain sufferer, or cancer patient, okay, Fate? Just so you know.
I don't know what is wrong with my ankle other than it hurts like a motherfucker if I walk on it. Mitch immediately said, "It's the gout." So I looked up the symptoms of gout on Webmd and it's not the gout. My love of organ meat can live to see another day. (just kidding. gross)
This is what happened, prepare to be bored and judgmental of my wieniness: I was driving along with the kids to the grocery store. I got out and was walking along in the parking lot and my ankle seized up and now it hurts whenever I bend my foot. That was the worst grocery shopping trip ever because 1) I hadn't yet learned that if I keep my foot really stiff and walk on my toes it doesn't hurt as much so instead I just walked normally and said, "Ow, mo-ther-fu-cker!" every step. 2) I really REALLY had to pee and I might have even peed my pants a tiny bit because I was concentrating so hard on not falling down and not letting my kids hear me swear, and couldn't concentrate on the intense kegel that was required to get me through the store without wetting myself. 3) The store I went to didn't have a bakery. DID NOT HAVE A BAKERY. Needless to say, I'm blaming it all on the store with no bakery. If I didn't have to go there and see their (lame) remodel my ankle would probably be fine, I wouldn't have had to wash my pants when I got home, and I'd have some good bread.
I know it's not a sprained ankle because I've already had that so I know what that feels like. I think it either needs a good cracking to get things back into place or else when I sprained my ankle a few years ago and chipped a bone, the bone chip has moved into someplace that hurts. Mitch scoffs at this theory because he calls my sprain a "little to no sprain" but let me tell you something, it was one of the worst sprains ever in the history of man. (I think the sprain may have been on the other leg. I'm no doctor, but I'm guessing it may be harder for a bone chip to move to the other leg.) I looked up on google what I should do with ankle pain and several of the suggestions were to go see a chiropractor. I've have made it my business to belittle chiropractors for my entire adult life, and maybe this is fate showing me what's what. (Why do they need to be called "doctor?" They aren't doctors.)
I'm going to the cabin this weekend with a bunch of girlfriends and I'm bringing a full bottle of gin and there are a bunch of stairs going down to the lake. None of this bodes well for my ankle, or my friends, or the gin. Hopefully I can get one of them to try to crack it. (and if they fix it, I guess I'll have to call them "doctor.")