Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Husband is an Animal! (no seriously, holy crap you guys, I think he might be an actual animal)

I was downstairs doing laundry and I heard the vacuum running upstairs.  I could see just a little bit of Mitch at the top of the stairs and could tell he was vacuuming the heck out of something with the hose.  I called up, "What are you doing?  Did something break?"  He said, "No, I'm vacuuming out my pockets.  They were full of sand and I don't want to put my phone in a sandy pocket."  Oh.  Of course.

The other night Kira and Mitch and Sam were jumping on the trampoline and Kira spotted a deer at the bottom of the hill.  Kira jumped off the tramp and she and the dog chased the deer into the woods.  It took her a while to come back and when Mitch asked where she was she said, "I was marking my territory."  Now you're wondering, what could that possibly mean?  She wasn't actually urinating in little squirts in different spots and on trees around the yard with the idea that it would let the deer and bears and skunks and dogs know who was really the boss around here, was she?   Yes.  She was. 

You know how you hear old stories (Tarzan) about babies who are abandoned in the woods and are adopted and raised by wolves or apes (depending on the continent, I suppose), but always know there is something different about them and they long to be with their own kind?  I think Kira may have been switched at birth with a wolf pup and now my real daughter is out in the woods somewhere thinking that raw meat is totally disgusting and would rather have a Facebook page than sniffing pee on tree trunks for messages from friends.  (Kira was suspiciously furry when she was born.)

But then I look at Mitch who thinks vacuuming out his pockets is a sensible solution to sandy pockets and I think that perhaps a more logical explanation is that Mitch was a wolf pup and was raised by humans and now Kira is peeing on trees and hunting in dog packs purely on instinct.  Now that I think about it there are some signs, aside from the vacuuming of pockets (everyone knows wolves are constantly vacuuming out the pockets of their work clothes) that make me think that yes, Mitch is a wolf, raised by humans:

1.  More often than you'd think, he's come home with a funky smell on his jacket or his shirts and when I ask what it is he jokingly says, "I rolled in something."  (At least I always thought it was a joke.)

2.  The way he kicks the grass with his back legs after he poops.

3.  The incessant howling.

4.  The incessant digging.

5.  His long tail.

10 comments:

  1. I have tears!!!!
    Too funny!!!
    And Kira, she cracks me up!!!

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  2. Vacuuming the laundry! Thanks for the tip!
    Kira is just too cool!

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  3. Vacuuming the laundry! Thanks for the tip!
    Kira is just too cool!

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  4. I hate to be a bitch (sometimes) but you spelled a word wrong in your title. See, if you had an editor, these things wouldn't happen.

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  5. Dear I'd Rather Not Say,
    Thank you. I fixed it. Anything else?

    ;0)
    Love,
    Sarah

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  6. It was your first mistake in like, 3 years though, so you got that going for ya.

    Great post, btw!

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  7. I'm still not telling...September 10, 2010 at 5:34 PM

    Actually, you fixed it wrong. It should be "an" since "Animal" begins with a vowel. What the hell is the matter with you??? Please don't ever sub in my daughter's English class, ok?

    *hahahahaha*

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  8. Ha ha! I was wondering if you would notice! I did that on purpose! I wanted to see if you'd catch it. Good job!

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  9. Dana McKibbage WaldbilligSeptember 11, 2010 at 3:27 PM

    OK, now that all those ridiculous typos are fixed, I can comment. I've never met Mitch, but I feel like I know him too well. As soon as you know something (anything!) about a adult person's poop, it's too much.

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  10. I mean "an" adult person...

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