Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! In honor of the holiday I'm posting pics of people I know dressed up, not necessarily on Halloween.

Halloween circa 1979, Beth is the bunny, Amy is the witch and I'm the Klan member.  Actually I was a ghost but for some reason the eye holes wouldn't stay put (might have had something to do with the giant glasses) so my mom tied a cord around my neck.  Don't know how to explain away the point.

Amy and my dad and some faceless penguin in front of their giant egg.

Amy and Beth dressed up as ballerinas for a dance recital.  Can you believe they were in dance?????? (CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP)

Sam as Harry Potter.  Wield that wand, Boy!

My kids being HILARIOUS.

Beth wearing her baby's hat.

Me dressed as a dork for Snoball, "89.  No, I'm not wearing a beret.  That's just my hair.

 Us three girls dressed up for an skating show.  Amy's a flower, I'm part of a rainbow, and Beth is a KKKlan member.  Or a crayon. 

This oldie but goodie.

I tried to make the "burkini" take off, but to no avail.  Don't make any sassy comments about "fat"wa, because I've already thought of it and now you won't seem clever.

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

Today was the day of the big rally so we left Amy's around mid morning thinking the ride on the Metro would be maybe a little busier than usual, but totally do-able in a reasonable amount of time.  We got to our regular station and there was a line about a mile long.  We couldn't believe it.  We met some ladies who were from Michigan who were also going to the rally and they said, "Are you ladies going to the rally?" and again, my uncle was all, "What The HELL?" He doesn't look like a lady to us. Does he look like a lady to you?  Here's a picture:

 Just kidding.  That's not him.  That's Bea Arthur.  Here he is for real:

That's him on the right.  ....... No, the RIGHT!

So we drove a few stations up hoping it would be less crowded, and it was slightly less crowded, but still unbelievable.  Here look:

 

That's a LOT of people.  We kept telling my uncle that we were going to pinch the butt of the lady right in front of him so she'd think he did it.  He didn't want us to do that.

We got to the Mall and there was oh, soooo many people.  We couldn't get anywhere near the stage, or even one of the jumbotrons to see what was going on, and we could barely hear what was going on.  It was hard to stay together in such a big crowd so Amy and I took off on our own and went to the National Archives while the Roots were playing on stage.  The Roots are good and all, but like I said, it was Crow-DED!

The Archives were not crowded, in fact, they were practically empty and I got to use an entire bathroom all to myself.  It was fantastic (and now I can say that something of mine is in the National Archives.)  Then we went to look at the documents.  We were looking at the Declaration of Independence and I was in awe that I was actually looking at it, and Amy said, "Wow.  They used really big paper back then.  Like, really big paper."

After that we went back outside and found a hot dog vendor and got a hot dog and then decided to cross the Mall to check out the rally and head over to the American History Museum.  We got trapped in a bottleneck of crowd about right here:


It was MILES away from the stage and we couldn't really hear anything but it was literally impossible to get any closer because of the tightly packed crowd.  We fought against the crowd, an ambulance, some police on horses (I almost got trampled by a horse and only have my fear and my ability to make my arms incredibly stiff to thank for saving my life) and after about an hour we made it to the other side of the mall and then, and only then, did I consult my trusty map to find out where the American History Museum was.  It was on the other side of the Mall.  Kind of right by the hot dog stand where we got hot dogs an hour before.  I thought Amy might strangle me.  We crossed over a few blocks away from the rally, and walked down to the end of the Mall and then walked in not-so-crowded crowds to the American History Museum where we saw lots of cool stuff, like this:

 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is George Washington's military uniform.  The one that he wore to pose for portraits.  

Lincoln's actual stovepipe hat that he last wore at Ford's Theater.  (and we all know how that turned out!)

And Kermit the Frog.  Amy said she thought he was much bigger than he is.  We also saw Archie Bunker's chair, Carol Burnett's Gone With The Wind dress, and Dorothy's ruby slippers.  (jealous?)  Then we went and looked at the gallery of First Lady inaugural dresses.  We were a little disappointed to discover that the only dress that would probably fit us was Barbara Bush's dress.  And it was so ugly I wouldn't wear it even if I had the chance (cat sound!).  

Then we met up with my aunt and uncle again and tried to find a place to get a beer but every bar within a mile of the Mall was packed like sardines, so we just came back to Amy's, ordered a pizza, and watched the rally, which Amy had recorded.  It was very good.  Here are the highlights:

The stage

Stephen Colbert in a Captain America costume complete with cape.

Stephen Colbert in star pants, a flag sweater, and cowboy boots.

Stephen Colbert high-fiving a giant puppet of Stephen Colbert.

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert having a debate.  

There was other stuff too, but if you want to know about it you are going to have to watch it on Comedy Central or CSPAN or something because what am I?  Your personal reporter on the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear?  No, I'm not.  Do your own homework. 

Smuggler

I got an email from Mitch tonight telling me how things are going without me.  Here it is:

I took Sam and Andy to the dance; pretty funny.  Kira and I just hung out and shopped during.  She told me if she were to steal drugs she would try to look like she was from Mexico and put the drugs in maracas and then be like, "Hey I'm in a band."  (she thinks all drugs are pills, I guess).  I have never heard a worse plan for anything, ever.  It's so bad on every level that I just said "Sounds good to me!"

Night Out In the Big City

My aunt and uncle (who is obviously male, beard and all) came to Washington today because they want to go to the Jon Stewart rally with us tomorrow.  It's going to be so fun! (unless the crowd gives me a panic attack).  Tonight we went out to a nice place for dinner and we were sitting in a booth and the waitress came up and said, "Hi!  Girl's night out?" which of course, made my sister, my aunt and me almost die laughing which embarrassed the poor waitress and made my uncle be all, "What the hell?"  and then my aunt tried to explain it away by saying that she probably said it because she just saw three girls and he has "girly hair," which made us laugh again and she said, "I SAID CURLY HAIR!"  which made us laugh harder.  (I think they might be getting sick of us already.)

Then Amy told us a story about how she was waiting in a park one day for her friend to get off work and a man came up to her and said, "Do you need something to eat?" and she thought he was hitting on her or something and she turned around and said, "Uh... No?" and then he said, "Okay, just want to make sure everyone in the park gets something to eat today," and then she realized that he thought she was homeless.  I am still laughing about that.  I can't stop.  I mean, it's one thing for someone to mistake you for someone they think looks like you, but to take a good look at you and think you are homeless?  Well, let me tell you, when that happens to your sister, it is HILARIOUS.

Tourist

I went on a six hour guided tour today.  It was a bus/walking tour of D.C. with a lunch cruise on the Potomac.  It was Awesome!  Here's the highlights:

Ben Franklin waved to me. 

"Hi Ben!"

Our tour guide, Dion, who I love and he loves me back, in front of the capitol building.

A professional tourist.  I thought I looked like a nerdy tourist with my backpack and my map but this lady has me beat.  I never even thought of a brown velour sweatsuit and over-glasses-sunglasses WITH NO GLASSES UNDERNEATH.  Well played, lady.  Well played.

Guess where!

WWII Memorial

President Obama in Marine 1.  I'm not even kidding.*  I saw him get on.

 President Jefferson.  He was a GIANT.

This lady came all the way from Kansas to get bit by a big-city squirrel.  

Watch out, Phyllis!  The laser-eyed killer wants more chips!

Hope your rabies shots go okay!

This is FDR.  He was one of our greatest presidents.  He got us out of the Depression, started Social Security, and (not a lot of people know this about him) he was also the Green Hornet.

Giant Abe

Forrest Gump Pool

Super depressing Vietnam Memorial

If you don't stay on the sidewalk you are dishonoring people who died for our country. 

And if you walk on my lawn you make the Baby Jesus cry.

This is the heaviest flagpole in the world.

After my tour I went to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History to go on the "Night at the Museum II" tour.  Just kidding.  They don't have that.  (I checked.) 

Nobody was talking about the elephant in the room.

AAAAAHHHHHH!

This fanged-deer was in the Hall of Joke Animals along with the Easter Bunny and Snuffalupagus.

This bronze caveman is handing me some bronze meat and I can see his bronze penis.

Early golf

This is a crocheted reef.  Yeah, a crocheted reef.  Ding ding.

 I wanted to see the Hope Diamond.  And then I saw it and I was like, "Big whoop."

AAAAAHHHHH!!!

So that was my day.  Busy.  I really crammed a lot of stuff in today.  It was so fun!  Tomorrow Michelle Obama and I are going out to lunch at Panera Bread. 

*I'm kidding

Reasons I Hate to Fly

1.  Being off the ground
2.  Going fast
3.  Waiting in line at security for 45 minutes only to be searched because I forgot about a can of Diet Coke in my purse.  Then having the smartass TSA lady say, "You wanna go back out and drink this?"  
4.  Taking off.
5.  As I'm gripping the armrests upon landing, overhearing a flight attendant say, "Well, I've never been in wind like this before.  Ever."
6.  Watching people who hold up the entire "deplaning" process because they forgot which overhead bin they put their giant suitcase in an hour before.
7.  Looking to see which gate my connecting flight is at on the big board: A8.  Looking to see which gate I'm currently at: A76.  Looking at my watch to see that I have 15 minutes to cover approximately 2 miles of airport carrying the heaviest carry-on in the world.
8.  The free-flowing sweat from running 2 miles in the airport carrying heaviest bag in the world and wearing every bulky thing I'm bringing that I didn't want to pack. Discovering my deodorant isn't all that effective under pressure.
9.  Sitting next to a claustrophobic nerd who is reading a book about Facebook and marking it with little tiny sticky-flags and saying, "Oh," and "Huh!" and "Wow.." every five seconds while reading it.  Nothing is that interesting.
10.  Landing.
11.  Sitting on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes after landing with Claustrophobic Nerd who is on the edge of a major panic attack, and thinking of giving him the idea of popping out the door and activating the big slide so we can get the hell out of there.

He says tomato, I say tomato (that kind of needs to be heard instead of read)

Today Mitch and I went out to lunch before I left on my trip.  We somehow got on the topic of kissing and Mitch sort of grimaced.  

Me:  What was that?  That face?  What's wrong with kissing?
Mitch:  I think maybe it's a claustrophobia thing.
Me:  Mitch!  Kissing is wonderful.  It's like our two souls holding hands. (sigh)
Mitch:  My mom always used to tell us that human mouths were the filthiest part of the body, and when you think about it, kissing is just smashing one disgusting bacteria hole against another disgusting bacteria hole. 
Me: ........ (disgusting bacteria hole agape)
Mitch:  What?
Me:  That is about the most unromantic thing I have ever heard anyone say, ever.
Mitch:  Are you telling me that if a strange kindergartener came up to you right now and licked your hand, you wouldn't be grossed out and immediately go and wash it?
Me:  Well..... yeah.  That would be gross.  Kindergarteners are gross.  Really gross.  Yuck.
Mitch:  Okay then.
Me:  I still like kissing.  We're making out later.
Mitch: (sigh)
Me:  I have to go wash my hands.

 gross

Jinkies!

I got my haircut today and no matter what I tell any haircutter I've been to for the past ten years, they always cut my hair to look like this:

It's like it's a big inside joke between all hair cutters.  "No matter what she says, make her look like Velma!  It will be so funny!"  Now I have to try to fix it and it will look better than it does now, but not so good overall.  I don't think I have ever in my entire life had a good haircut.  I remember when I was in seventh grade and wanted to trade in my long hair that I wore in a french braid everyday for a really cool Farrah Fawcett/Stephanie Powers hairdo.

Something between this:

and this:

But I got this:

It's like I was saying "Farrah Fawcett" and they were hearing "tight perm in a mullet."  I think of all the bad pictures of me ever taken, which is about 93% of the pictures ever taken of me, this has to be in the top 10.

From that bad haircut, I tried and tried to grow my mullet out into something Stephanie Powers-y and I was having no luck.  My mom would give me perms and no matter how much I BEGGED her to use bigger rollers, she always used the ones that were the circumference of a pencil.  TIGHT.

Aw.  The mullet is a little longer, but still pretty tightly curled.  Looks like I forgot it was picture day that year and only wore a polo shirt instead of plastic beads and a furry sweater.  I bet that really chapped my ass.

This is high school.  I think tenth grade.  LOOK AT THOSE EYEBROWS!  The mullet is a little less mullet-y, but the perm is still tight.  I remember I liked getting a good point on the top.  This was a good hair day.  Kind of a baby Stephanie Powers.

Oh, finally, the mullet is gone.  The sides are the same length as the back.  The perm isn't too curly.  But it's still no Farrah Fawcett. 

After high school I let the perms go and embraced my stringy, thin, stick-straight hair.  I still had bad haircuts.  I remember one that I kind of liked and kept for a long time but then I learned that my sisters were calling me Lord Farquaad behind my back.  And in front of my face. 

I just figured something out.  "Lord Farquaad" sounds an awful lot like "Lord Fuckwad."  Do you think they meant to do that?  Holy cow, what else have I missed in Shrek? 

Lastly, I found something the other day that I really like.  If I was Oprah this thing would be on the episode "My Favorite Things!"  Here it is:

 SALT AND PEPPER SHAAAKKKKEEEERRRRRSSSSSS!!!!!!  Everybody gets one!!!!*






*just kidding