1. Expel my dog's anal glands.
That's all I can think of right now. I saw my poor dog dragging her ass on the grass yesterday and I asked Google why dogs do that. They do it because their anal glands are blocked up and also because it makes children laugh and laugh.
I took a look, which was gross and unpleasant for me and for the dog, and sure enough, she's swollen back there. She needs some help. I thought about doing it myself but it sounds disgusting so I told Mitch he had to do it. He laughed like I wasn't serious. I'm still working on him to do it. In the meantime I have been researching how to do this so I can tell him when he finally gives in. I read about it and it sounds really gross, but it can't be any worse than popping a big zit, right?
So I looked it up on Youtube (this is a link to the video I watched. Don't watch it. You will throw up and DIE.) so I could watch a video of it. Oh my god, you guys, it is so much grosser than you could ever imagine! So. Much. Grosser. I was just sitting here while it loaded between commercials on SNL. Mitch is sleeping on the couch and when I played it and got to when the magic happens with a cat I was so amazingly grossed out that all I could do was say, "OH HO HO HO HO! OH MY GOD! OH DEAR GOD! NO! NO!" I was too grossed out to even push the pause button and I couldn't take my eyes off the horror that is animal-anal-gland-expulsion. Mitch woke up for a few seconds and said, "What's going on?" I didn't tell him what I was watching because I was kind of thinking of learning to do this myself for my poor dog, but now there is no way I can do it, and I'm too cheap to pay someone to squeeze my dogs anus, so it is all up to Mitch, and he doesn't need to know the horror of it before he does it.
In most ways, I revile the British, but damn it, they come up with the more urbane terms for things. "Back passage" sounds so much more cultured and approachable than "asshole", doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteLolz. It is important to do it right, so you don't cause them pain. My poor Scoob ended up with ongoing problems and ended up needed surgery.
ReplyDelete(Our old "shitty" vet cut the muscle and she ended up losing bowel control...)
Drama aside!!!
Be warned how *FAR* that anal stuff can spray, and how *SMELLY* it is!! For reals! Outside and/or wipe-able-down surfaces are your friend in this!!
Mitch - may the force be with you.
p.s. you are now the header on my blogroll. ;-)
S
Oh my god, Steph. Your comment has totally convinced me that I don't want to be anywhere near the dog when this is happening. Thanks for putting me on your blogroll! Awesome!
ReplyDeleteOMG, you guys, I just was reading the comments after the Youtube video and I almost peed my pants laughing. I think I'm punchy-tired. I need to go to bed.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Miami airport passengers!
ReplyDeleteSARAH - I am not kidding here - scratch up the dough and pay the vet. TRUST ME. I have not performed the deed. But I know people who have, and I remember their stories. Mitch will NEVER FORGIVE YOU. It will be talked about forever... at Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc. etc. You don't want to relive this - YOU DON'T! It's worth a million zillion dollars to have the vet shield your eyes (and your noses) from this. !!! :oP
ReplyDeleteI'm am trying SO HARD to not watch this youtube video...
ReplyDeleteNew FAQ...
ReplyDeleteWhat came first? Chicken or the egg?
My dog is doing the same thing! I am taking her to the vet! I could not do that...
ReplyDeletePAY THE VET. They are professional anal gland squeezers. They attended a class and learned how to do this, just like you attended a class to learn how to teach 4th graders not to wipe boogers on each other. I have a 95 lb. golden retriever, and that's a big anal gland. PAY THE VET. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. PAY THE VET.
ReplyDeleteshitstuff doesn't gross me out, so after watching a vet video of asshole-juice-explosion, i went for the gold and tried it on my pup kosmo. he's really mellow and doesn't really care what anyone does to him.
ReplyDeletei placed him in the bathtub bc i'd heard rumors on the street that it can get a little wild. i squeezed. and squeezed. and squeezed some more. nothing. it was a pretty uneventful situation except that trying it over and over with a warm wet washcloth seemed to clean away any fishbutt smell. at least there was that.
from that point on, i just started taking him to petsmart for an expression/ bath combo. $25 and he comes back smelling like a birthday cake.