1. Expel my dog's anal glands.
That's all I can think of right now. I saw my poor dog dragging her ass on the grass yesterday and I asked Google why dogs do that. They do it because their anal glands are blocked up and also because it makes children laugh and laugh.
I took a look, which was gross and unpleasant for me and for the dog, and sure enough, she's swollen back there. She needs some help. I thought about doing it myself but it sounds disgusting so I told Mitch he had to do it. He laughed like I wasn't serious. I'm still working on him to do it. In the meantime I have been researching how to do this so I can tell him when he finally gives in. I read about it and it sounds really gross, but it can't be any worse than popping a big zit, right?
So I looked it up on Youtube (this is a link to the video I watched. Don't watch it. You will throw up and DIE.) so I could watch a video of it. Oh my god, you guys, it is so much grosser than you could ever imagine! So. Much. Grosser. I was just sitting here while it loaded between commercials on SNL. Mitch is sleeping on the couch and when I played it and got to when the magic happens with a cat I was so amazingly grossed out that all I could do was say, "OH HO HO HO HO! OH MY GOD! OH DEAR GOD! NO! NO!" I was too grossed out to even push the pause button and I couldn't take my eyes off the horror that is animal-anal-gland-expulsion. Mitch woke up for a few seconds and said, "What's going on?" I didn't tell him what I was watching because I was kind of thinking of learning to do this myself for my poor dog, but now there is no way I can do it, and I'm too cheap to pay someone to squeeze my dogs anus, so it is all up to Mitch, and he doesn't need to know the horror of it before he does it.