Friday, October 15, 2010

Ativan fails to put the "fun" in funeral

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor because I had this weird sporadic rash that was driving me crazy.  One day my hands would itch so much that I'd scratch them raw.  The next day my hands were fine but my neck itched etc, etc.  I took allergy medicine thinking that would fix it but it didn't so I went to my doctor.  She said that it is probably caused by anxiety so she gave me some Ativan to keep on hand for stressful situations.  I didn't even need to take one and the rash went away.  Magic!  Not really, I'm just that susceptible to suggestion.  (Weak mind.) 

Anyway, my grandma's funeral was yesterday and I was asked to say a few words.  I was honored to do so, but I didn't know if I could do it, but then I thought, hey wait a minute!  Of course I can!  I have Ativan!  So I took one about a half hour before the service.  FYI - that's NOT NEARLY long enough for it to have any kind of calming effect (unless, of course, my doctor gave me a placebo which is entirely possible).

I was a mess.  So was my sister.  As people were coming in for the visitation we were both blubbering like idiots.  We couldn't stop.  I looked around and found the little kitchenette off the sanctuary where they keep the supplies for communion.  I told Beth to come with me and we'd break into the communion wine and have a few belts to calm our nerves.  Beth said, "I wish I could but I can't, remember?  I'm pregnant."  Oh yeah, shit.  Damn baby is cramping my style already.  Then she said, "But I am in the second trimester.  I bet the baby would be okay."  I said, "Hey, we're in church!  We could always pray:  'Please God, don't let Beth's baby have fetal alcohol syndrome for chugging communion wine. We need it for our nerves.'  That should cover all the bases!"  So I looked in all the cupboards and the mini-fridge and all they had was Lorna Doones and GRAPE JUICE!  Crap.  Stupid aging congregation!  It looked like it was going be a sober blubberfest.  It was.  And when you are up at the pulpit crying and trying to tell funny stories about your Grandma, it just makes everyone cry.  Total blubberfest.  It was like that scene in Stand By Me but with me as Lardass, and crying instead of throwing up. 

Nobody else I know better die or I will end up in a mental institution.


  1. I can picture the whole scene. The pain, the attempt to get a handle on the pain, the humor, and the eventual coming together to cry and mourn the woman you all love and miss.

    May this pain lessen and may you not have to experience any more losses for a long time.

  2. Okay, I'm sorry, but I just HAVE to say that "Oh yeah, shit. Damn baby is cramping my style already." made me seriously lol.

    I am babyless among the many babied of my friends so I really thought that was amusing.

    On a more serious note... I am really sorry that things were so hard and so stressful for you. It's never easy, even when you know she isn't suffering any more.

    At least you were able to still show your true, raw emotion, which counts. I am sure, 100%, that everyone in that church (aging or otherwise) saw the love you guys have for your grandma.

    I hope you don't feel bad about the "blubberfest".

    Okay, now back to my regularly scheduled snarkiness...

  3. Too bad I wasn't there....I would have been able to keep everyone's crying to a minimum. Especially seeing the two ROCKS (you and Beth....and I mean rocks as in solid rather than stupid) cry...I'm SURE that would have made me more stoic. ;) Wish I could have been there to say goodbye to Gram. Donna said you did a GREAT job!!

  4. Sorry about your grandmother! The line about the baby is cracking me up!

  5. i'm so sorry about your grandmother! if it makes you feel any better, at my father's wake i got stupid drunk with my boyfriend and we passed out in my parent's bed at 6 in the evening, totally forgetting about the kids who had to sleep on the living room floor. i was a hot mess, and for a while, i think my mom was kind of pissed at me for getting so drunk. so maybe the grape juice was for the best. :-) (hugs)

  6. I was on Ativan for Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Panic Disorder. It worked okay, however once I started seeing a specialist, I changed to Klonopin. I find that Klonopin is much more consistent, meaning I don't feel it kick in and wear off like I did the Ativan, this apparently is due to its longer half-life. I did find out the hard way, that these are abused by some people, so don't leave them accessible in any way. I had mine stolen once, bad experience!


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