A few weeks ago I went to the doctor because I had this weird sporadic rash that was driving me crazy. One day my hands would itch so much that I'd scratch them raw. The next day my hands were fine but my neck itched etc, etc. I took allergy medicine thinking that would fix it but it didn't so I went to my doctor. She said that it is probably caused by anxiety so she gave me some Ativan to keep on hand for stressful situations. I didn't even need to take one and the rash went away. Magic! Not really, I'm just that susceptible to suggestion. (Weak mind.)
Anyway, my grandma's funeral was yesterday and I was asked to say a few words. I was honored to do so, but I didn't know if I could do it, but then I thought, hey wait a minute! Of course I can! I have Ativan! So I took one about a half hour before the service. FYI - that's NOT NEARLY long enough for it to have any kind of calming effect (unless, of course, my doctor gave me a placebo which is entirely possible).
I was a mess. So was my sister. As people were coming in for the visitation we were both blubbering like idiots. We couldn't stop. I looked around and found the little kitchenette off the sanctuary where they keep the supplies for communion. I told Beth to come with me and we'd break into the communion wine and have a few belts to calm our nerves. Beth said, "I wish I could but I can't, remember? I'm pregnant." Oh yeah, shit. Damn baby is cramping my style already. Then she said, "But I am in the second trimester. I bet the baby would be okay." I said, "Hey, we're in church! We could always pray: 'Please God, don't let Beth's baby have fetal alcohol syndrome for chugging communion wine. We need it for our nerves.' That should cover all the bases!" So I looked in all the cupboards and the mini-fridge and all they had was Lorna Doones and GRAPE JUICE! Crap. Stupid aging congregation! It looked like it was going be a sober blubberfest. It was. And when you are up at the pulpit crying and trying to tell funny stories about your Grandma, it just makes everyone cry. Total blubberfest. It was like that scene in Stand By Me but with me as Lardass, and crying instead of throwing up.
Nobody else I know better die or I will end up in a mental institution.