S is for Searches

Occasionally I look at what people google to get to my blog.  There's been a few good ones recently:

 does raccoons hibernate,become dormant,lose its leaves ,migrate??

Everyone knows raccoons become dormant but don't lose their leaves.  How could they survive the inactivity of dormancy with no leaves?  What an idiot.
*********************

 antibiotics from frog skin knife

What?  Who skins frogs?  Their skin is the most delicious part.  I was unaware that their skin contained antibiotics.  And I didn't know there was a specific knife for skinning frogs.  Just a minute,  I'll google it:

Never mind.  Google just led me to my own blog.
**********************

  de vaginas horribles

French perv.
**********************

caveman penis

Cavewoman perv.
**********************

 dr. quinn medicine woman unrealistic surgeries

To the person who googled this:  You better hope you never meet my sister or me in a dark alley.  "Unrealistic" my ass.
*********************

 effexor poop out

 I've never written anything about how effexor affects poop because I am WAY too classy to talk about pooping on my blog, however, since this person is obviously taking effexor, they are "pooping out" waste the size, shape, consistency and color of cannonballs.  Sorry effexor-taker.
*********************

 BEARS EAT PEOPLE

No shit Sherlock.
********************

  cuter than crayfish crappin

Have another look, there is nothing cute about that.
*******************

 stephen colbert's penis 

Stephen Colbert perv.
******************

  azia hairy

This was on my list a few times.  What the hell, Azia?  Why do people want to know if you are hairy?
******************

R is for Rickets! (that has nothing to do with the post, but it's the first R thing that came into my head. I'm losing it on this A-Z thing.)

I'm going to Washington D.C. today to visit my sister for the last time before she goes to prison.  Just kidding.  She's not going to prison.  She's moving to Norfolk for training for when she goes to Afghanistan.  She's in the U.S.O.  She's a tap dancer.  She's going to Afghanistan to tap dance for the troops.  Just kidding again.  She doesn't know how to tap dance.  I don't think.  (Amy, do you know how to tap dance?)  She isn't in the U.S.O. either.  But she is in the Navy so OF COURSE she is going to landlocked Afghanistan.  (raarrrr)

Anyway, I have to go get one more Mount Vernon fix before she moves.  We were planning to take a river cruise to the estate because that would be cool.  Amy looked into it and she said, "The boat will bring us there and then it doesn't leave again for three hours..." thinking, whoa, three hours is PLENTY of time to see Mount Vernon for the fourth time in two years.  And I said, "Nope.  That won't work.  It's going to take us WAY longer than three hours!" Ha ha! what was she thinking?  I bet she is dreading it.  But there is so much to see!  I want to go through the house again, go through the educational center, look at every single thing in the museum, walk all over the grounds, see all the little animals and buy more mints in adorable little tin boxes from the gift shop and so on and so on and so on.  I'm thinking we'll be there for eight?, maybe nine? hours?  Sound good Amy?!

We are also going to see the Holocaust museum. Par-TAY!

Then we are going to drive home together, bonding like crazy and holding hands the whole way.  

::INTERRUPTION OF THE A TO Z CONTEST::

I am interrupting this A to Z blogging contest to bring you a special news update:  I am going to Washington to visit Amy tomorrow.  Today she casually emailed me, "Would you like to have breakfast in the senate dining room on Monday?"  What?  Yes!  I couldn't even get in the Capitol last time I was there.  I stood in line for a while, and then got my bag searched and got scolded for having a granola bar, and then I was only allowed to go in the basement/peon level. I wanted to see the rotunda!  I asked one of the workers how I could get up to see the rotunda and he said, "You can't now.  You can see an exact replica over there," and he pointed to a Barbie sized replica of the Capitol.  No.  That's not what I threw away a perfectly good granola bar and an unopened can of Diet Coke to see.  That really chapped my hide.

Well, on Monday I get to be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she goes back to the bitchy sales ladies in the fancy store who wouldn't wait on her and shows them what's what.  I will be eating toaster waffles and pop tarts with the bigtime movers and shakers.  I will see the f'ing rotunda.  And I get to go in the super private special entrance with no line.  So take that, guard-who-looked-at-me-like-I-was-a-mental-defective-because-I-tried-to-bring-a-granola-bar-into-the-Capitol.

Amy said that it is dress-up so I have to pack accordingly, but of course, I am second guessing my dress-up choices.  I don't know if it will be dress-up enough.  We Minnesotans are pretty casual, and I don't want to look like a dope.  I've decided not to take any chances of being too casual.  I'm just going to wear my prom dress.  Get ready senators!

Q is for Question: Do you think Teeny Hats are as funny as I think they are?

Happy Thanksgiving.  

This guy is trying to look tough while a teeny little hat is stuck  to his head.
How does it stay on?  Is it glued?

This is my favorite

Even people with teeny hats have to go to the doctor sometimes.

Oh, changed my mind, this one is my favorite.
This cat is going to a party.

P is for Po'Daddy! It's Bloggin' Wednesday! :

Today's Bloggin' Feature is brought to us by Sandy at Northwoods Woman.  Thank you Sandy!  Check out her blog.  It's not too late to send me your answers to the Bloggin' questions.  Email me! 

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?

The long and the short of it is no, I don't think I have a niche.  I simply write about me, my life and I throw in a few "Oh, I love this product" posts.  But mostly it's a mismash of stuff with a little humor thrown in, because sometimes you just have to laugh at what life hands you. Yes, there was one post that I pulled because I got a nastygram from my Sister about it.  It was a good post, but she's stuck in the Stone Age of paranoia about someone possibly stalking her or stealing her identity with facial recognition or some other crap.  I pulled it and now we talk even less than we did before.  Gotta love family!

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?

I have about a dozen that I read every day, and some that I keep tucked away to look at on occasion.  A couple of them know who I am, but mainly I'm a lurker because I don't want to be commenter 9,572 that the blogger isn't going to care about.  

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?

I'm not a huge "Look at me" type of person, so I don't comment on every post that someone has written.  If there's something that I really like, I'll say something, otherwise I'm mostly a quite fan.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?

I love comments (who doesn't!) but I'm not writing stuff just so I can get people to say "You're awesome".  But I think that people mostly leave one when I've touched on something that they can connect to.  So I guess the answer is 7.5.

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?

I'll respond 99 percent of the time, because it lets them know that I care about what they say.

6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them? 

I used to have about a dozen followers before Google Friend Connect banished anyone that didn't have a Blogger account and wanted me to use Google+.  I've since put up another similar widget (Linky) but no one's used it.  *sigh*

7.  How do you promote your blog?

I have a few forums that I regularly contribute to, as well as Facebook and Twitter.  Other than that, my family is my biggest promoter.  Love, love LOVE them!

8.  Do you write for any other sites?

I've never had the pleasure of someone asking me to write for their site.  I think I'd probably faint if someone did.

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

I love having a place to write what I want when I want.  It's the best form of freedom of speech there is (as long as the government doesn't get their grips on it... grrr!) and I can just be ME.

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?

The best advice I can give is to just be yourself.  If you try to be someone you're not, then you are going to have a hard time connecting to people.  The only thing that really bothers me about some blogs is that their either too bright or too dark.  I like something easy on my eyes. The blogs that I tend to read the most aren't cluttered with a ton of advertising and buttons.  Keep it clean and simple and I'll keep coming back.

O is for Oh my goodness, I found a cool website...

I got an email from a woman a while back that said she was on a team developing a weight-loss website and would I be interested in reviewing it on my blog?  I told her I would try it out and write about it.  I am not really in a dieting mode lately, but I thought I'd join the site and go through the motions anyway just for the review.  I LOVE the site.  It's called Slimkicker and it's at Slimkicker.com. 

Its more like social networking or a game than the old traditional keeping a food log.  I joined the site, made a profile, entered my ideal weight and we were off.  It calculated what I need for calories and nutrition.  I enter what I eat into a log, and I think almost every food - brand name and restaurant included - is in the database.  After I enter my food in I can click onto a nutritional allowance page and see if I got enough of the nutrients I need.  I think this is fascinating.  I never get enough fat or protein.  I always go way over on carbs and sugar.  I'm pretty good at getting the right amount of calories, fiber, and cholesterol, but I'm way out of whack on the rest.  I never knew that before.

I like how this site is more like a game than a diet.  You get points and can move up levels when you earn enough points.  You get points for entering food, exercising, eating good foods, doing challenges etc.  I get a little thrill when I eat some peppers or something and get a bunch of points.  When I earn enough points to go up a level, I get a treat.  My treat that I chose is a cupcake.  (counter-productive much?)  You can get friends on the site too.  I have a bunch already and they check in with me and ask how I'm doing.  I love it!  I'm still not in a dieting mood and don't really feel like reaching any kind of weight deadline or goal, but I'm having fun playing on the site and I feel good when I meet my nutritional needs and don't go over or stay too far under.  It's fun!  You should check it out.  If you decide to join, friend me!  

N is for Kira got a New fish (N is for the "New" of "New fish")

Kira has 103 dollars in cash, about 80 dollars on her Amazon account and 35 dollars on her iTunes account.  How does a twelve year old have so much money?  I'll tell you how.  She never buys anything EVER.  She occasionally pays Sam a couple of bucks to do one of her chores, but other than that, she doesn't part with any of it.  Until today.  After a lot of thought, she decided to get another pet fish.  She has had a beta fish for almost a year now and she takes care of it pretty well.  He always has food, his tank is clean, and she's even trained him to follow her finger when she runs it along the tank.  Seriously, he does it every time.  So we went to Petco.  Kira is so weird.  On the way we were talking about all our pets.  Here's a snippet of a conversation between Sam and her on the way to the store:

Kira:  I think we should get the bird a vest.
Sam:  She would HATE that!
Kira:  I know.

Anyway, we got to the store and she painstakingly pored over every single beta they have.  It took her about an hour to decide and she finally picked one.  Finally.  After that we decided to go to McDonalds for a quick lunch.  She didn't want to leave the fish alone in the car so she brought him in.  I asked her what she wanted for lunch and, while looking at her new pet she said, "I'll have a fish fillet."  Creepy.

On the way home from our errands she asked to stop at the grocery store so she could get some pure water for the fish tank.  She got a gallon.  When we were back in the car Sam asked her, "What tank are you going to put them in?" and without skipping a beat or cracking a smile she said, "I'm just going to put them both in this jug."  That made Sam and I laugh and she said, "What?  You don't like fish jugs?" which made Sam laugh even harder,  picturing a fish with boobs, but Kira didn't get it.

This might be the strangest picture I've ever seen.

Come to think of it, I don't know if Sam got it either, but he was laughing pretty hard.  Kira cleaned out her beta tank, put in the room divider and put in both fish, one per compartment.

That's her old fish, Knuckles, on the left.  The new fish, temporarily named Fish is on the right.  

M is for - Would you rather... (what? I couldn't think of an M word and it's time for a new Would You Rather question. Okay?)

It's time for a new Would You Rather question!  Last week the question was "Would you rather use a litter box in private for a year, or use a toilet in front of an audience one time"  That was a tough question because neither choice is very fun to think about, but think about it you did!  You thought about what kind of litter you could use, you thought about having a marathon poop in front of the audience, you worried that if you chose the litter box option, you could never leave the house again, which made me think, "You poop in bathrooms other than your own? How???"  I chose the litter box option because I think I'd rather die than eliminate my waste in front of an audience.  But why is it so humiliating?  Everyone does it.  The majority of you chose to go in front of a crowd.  I can hardly go in a bathroom stall.

So this week's question is more of a "What would you love more," than "Would you rather."  Here it is:

Would you rather...

Have wings instead of arms 
(yes, there is flying, but no hands)

OR

Have hooves instead of feet
 (clop clop clop)

Like this but permanent! 

If you have a "Would You Rather" question idea, email it to me!

L is for Love

Mitch is so in love with me.  You know how I know that?  Because he skinned his knee the other day and, knowing my love of picking scabs, cultivated the perfect pickin' scab, and this morning he let me pick it.  He whined and flinched and cried like a baby, like I was ripping duct tape off his eyeballs, but he didn't stop me.  He did all that just for me.  I would much rather pick a good scab than get a dozen roses, and Mitch knows that.  THAT's true love.

My sister told me once that in the dating world there is a concept called "The jar of scabs." Imagine you are in the bathroom of someone you just started dating. You are snooping.  In the medicine cabinet you find a jar full of.... something....what is that?...Bacos?...raisins?....Oh my god... it's scabs.  This is something your date never wanted you to know about, or at least not yet.  It's his literal jar of scabs.

Everyone tries to hide their most disgusting habit; their metaphorical "jar of scabs," if you will.  You can't let your dates know that you, for example: wipe your boogers on the underside of your end tables, or smell your ear wax, or eat when you're on the toilet; until they are so invested, and are so crazy about you that if they ever find out about it, they have no choice but to ignore it.  It just turns out that my "jar of scabs" is actually scabs.  I don't keep the scabs or anything.  After the scab is picked, I don't want anything to do with it.  I just like picking them off.  Boy, I'm really saying scab a lot in this post, scab scab scab.

Anyway, Mitch knows about my jar of scabs (metaphorical! I already told you I don't keep them! Gross!), and although he is disgusted by it, he knows what it means to me, so he was sweet enough to carefully cultivate a perfect scab for me to pick, even though it grossed him out, even though it literally hurt him to do it.  So, thank you again, Mitch.  I love you too.

What is your jar of scabs?




FYI:  I typed "jar of scabs" into Google images.  There were 54,000 results. Do NOT google "jar of scabs."

K is for a non-Kangaroo and some other animals that didn't jump through a hoop

Conversation I had with a second grader last week:

Kid:  Did you see the animal show yesterday?

Me:  No, did you have an animal show at school?

Kid: Yes!  The guy had a big turtle and he tried to make it jump through a hoop!

Me:  Oh really?  Did he do it?

Kid:  No.

Me:  Were there any other animals?

Kid:  Yeah, the guy had a giant bunny that hopped on its back legs.

Me:  Are you sure it wasn't a kangaroo?

Kid:  Yeah, I'm sure.  It was way smaller than a kangaroo.  The guy tried to make him jump through the hoop too.

Me:  Did he do it?

Kid:  No.

Me:  Oh.

Kid: He had a big snake too.

Me:  Did the snake jump through the hoop?

Kid:  No.

giant bunny

J is for Joy! It's Bloggin' Wednesday! : Angie Uncovered

Today's Bloggin' feature is brought to us by Angie from Angie Uncovered.  Check out her blog!  Thanks Angie!  It's never too late to submit your own Bloggin' answers.  Email them to me!

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?

My little slice of blogosphere is mostly about self-discovery and relationships. I write about family and growing up (then and now) as a way of figuring out where I’ll go from here and how it impacts my relationship decisions. As to the pulling a post... hell yes. I have written about an ex or two and then realized they may see it and I didn’t want to acknowledge (to them) how much they had hurt me so I unpublished. I’m still a bit of a sissy sometimes.

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?

I have about 30 blogs I follow regularly. I have had real-life contact with other bloggers and plan to have more meet ups in the future.

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?

If the blog makes me smile or think I always try to let the writer know that it moved me in one way or another. Of course there are times I will enjoy someone’s writings and feel I have nothing of value to add. Many times I wish blogs had a like button. In some cases I will submit them to stumbleupon.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?

I’m dead in the middle on that scale. There are times when I just don’t care because I’ve written strictly for myself and from my heart. When I am writing for feedback I specifically ask for it. They are awesome either way! Comments are ALWAYS welcome. It’s nice to know you’ve left an impression.

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?

Always. Sometimes I’m late (weekends usually), but I try to reply to everyone. They’ve taken their time to read my work and share part of themselves with me, so I feel it’s the least I can do. It helps that many of my commenters are very compelling in their own right!

6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  

I believe I have 72 currently. It’s all been organic, word of mouth, people who have found me through other blogs or blog comments.

7.  How do you promote your blog?

Twitter, Facebook, Stumble, Google+

8.  Do you write for any other sites?

I have written at Bloggy Moms and Eden Café. I also do a weekly point/counterpoint segment with Shane at WagtheDad.com. It’s been a great experience in writing and debate.

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

The favorite part for me is that it’s cathartic. Whether I have heartache, irritation, or joy bubbling to the surface my blog gives me an outlet.

I don’t know that I have a least favorite side!

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?

Stick with it. No one else can tell you how to write your story. If you write what you’re feeling  even when you didn’t choose the topic you can’t go wrong.

I try to remember that everyone’s blog has it’s own purpose. I said try. I have only hate one hateful experience with a blog when they were asking for money for a personal reason after bragging for a week straight about their recent vacation. Poor form!

I love seeing a blog that someone actually puts their heart into and can show you a glimpse of the real person behind the keystrokes.

I is for I'm writing a book

I started writing my book about subbing for real lately.  I pretty much have it mapped out and know what content I want in it, and now I have to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, organize, smooth it out, make better transitions, cut out the offensive parts etc. etc. etc.  It's going pretty well now that I've made it easier to access.  I originally had it on an Open Office document, just one huge file.  It was too overwhelming.  I moved it to Google Docs and separated the files into tentative chapters.  Now I don't have to worry about losing it if my computer crashes, and I can work on it anywhere I have internet access, and my handy dandy, professional copy editor (my aunt) who-is-free-because-we're-relatives can get access to it through Google.  (Have I mentioned before how much I love Google?)  It was great last week when I was working in a math class and the kids were taking tests all day.

The writing is fun and not too hard.  I don't think I will have any trouble finishing it.  I might have trouble knowing when to stop revising. What I have NO CLUE about is marketing and distribution.  My aunt's friend Karen wrote a book recently and published it through CreateSpace.  I started a CreateSpace account but I haven't quite figured it out and it's kind of frustrating and overwhelming.

I also looked at other self-publishing sites.  One of which is AuthorHouse.  I answered a few questions on their site and a few days later a man named Buddy called me to chat about what kind of book it is.  He thought it was a biography and he was saying, "Is this just for family or...?" and I finally figured out that he thought I was just writing a biography about my average, ho hum life and who the heck is going to buy that?  But then I made him realize that it wasn't a book about me, but a book about what it has been like to be a substitute teacher, and then he was like, "Whew!  That's more like it!  Yeah, that's a great idea!"  - Much more marketable!  Every potential author wants to tap into the huge substitute teacher demographic.  I told Buddy that I know nothing about marketing and distribution and he said that I should get a blog, (check) and utilize social media, (check).  I told him I had a blog already and sent him the link.  He said he likes it.  I also sent him my introduction and he said he "laughed out loud," and I've chosen to assume that's because he thinks it's funny, not because I'm ridiculous.  He said the rest of the marketing and distribution will come after the book is done and published.

I also looked on Amazon for other substitute teacher memoirs and there are two or three and they don't have very good reviews.  I looked at the comments they got and I'm trying to address the problems the readers had with those books and not make the same mistakes with my book.  One woman said she was looking for more practical tips on classroom management, which made me rethink the part in my book where I advise potential future subs to come into a room full of kindergarteners and greet them by saying, "Good morning you little sons of bitches!"  Or that you can totally eliminate all potential behavior problems in any grade by simply carrying  loaded guns around with you at all times on an old-west type gun belt, and shooting the ceiling if the kids don't listen.  Yosemite Sam teaching. (I'd use blanks, duh!)  But maybe people don't think guns in school are funny? (yet).  Like I said, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite!

H is for Haiku

Nobody reads my
Blog on Saturdays. Hey, pay
Attention to me.

No toilet paper

In the downstairs bathroom.

Hey Mitch, what the fuck?

Lucas, why ride your

horse so hard? Don't you think he
gets tired? Calm down.

Would I look dumb if
I wore a gun belt?  I think
I'd look cool. Pew! Pew!

Carbohydrates: my
best friends in the world. I want
more noodles please.  Now.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter.  

When Sam was about three...

I brought him to see a freaky-ass Easter bunny like the ones in these pictures...

That particular bunny had a big, gaping, freaky smile made of black mesh so the person inside could see out.

Sam was very excited and sat on the bunny's lap...

And stared at his face...

Then he ran back to me where I was...

Far, FAR away from the scary bunny, and he said,

"Mom, that bunny ate a kid!  I could see it in his mouth!"

Now we're both afraid of the Easter Bunny.

(thanks to Awkward Family Photos for all the scary pictures)

G is for Gee whiz, my sister has a blog!

My sister Amy is kind of a big shot in the U.S. Navy (well, a middle shot maybe. Or a peon. I don't really know.  She's somewhere between Gomer Pyle and General Schwarzkopf.  I think.)  Anyhoo, she is going to Afghanistan in several months, so she is starting training for the job she is going to have there.  Everyone told her to keep a journal while she is there but she is no good at journaling, but she wanted to keep a record of her experiences so she started a blog.  It's called Sailing into the Desert.  You should follow her and read all about her experiences.

I was going to put an embarrassing picture of Amy here,
but then it occurred to me that maybe it's not a good
 idea to embarrass a person who has tons of embarrassing
 pictures of me and now also has a blog.
But I was so looking forward to putting an embarrassing picture up,
so instead I am including this picture of my other sister,
Beth, who does NOT have a blog.  (Ha ha, Beth.  Bet you wish you had a blog.)

This is from when she was in basketball in eighth grade.
I mostly like that her shirt says, "It all happens here."

Oh, and nice hair.

She seems to be looking forward to this adventure, but I keep telling her that Afghanistan is a shithole.  No, I've never been there, but I'm pretty sure it's a big giant shithole.  Especially if you're a woman.  Lots of illiterate men with gross beards and guns who spend more time and effort on bombing big ancient Buddhas than they do providing food or education for their people.  Heaven (sarcasm font) Oh well, as long as she doesn't drive, show her hair, or speak before she's spoken to it should be sweet. (again with the sarcasm) 


I don't want her to go, can you tell?  Mostly because it's so far away and it's dangerous!, but also for selfish reasons: I really liked visiting her in Washington D.C. and San Diego and Monterrey, but I don't want to go to Kabul or Qandahar for sister's weekend.  That would SUCK.

So go to her blog, follow her, comment on her posts.  Do it.

F is for, "For Corn's Sake! It's time for a New Poll Question!"

Yes, it's time for a new question.  Last week's question, "Would you rather fly across the Pacific on a crowded plane with a one year old, or eat a delicious burger made from cat meat," had interesting results.  I personally would much MUCH rather eat cat meat.  If it was prepared properly, it would be delicious and then I could avoid the twelve hours of flop sweat and frustration I would have to endure to transport a toddler across the ocean.  A good meal or life-sucking frustration.  I think the choice is obvious, but you guys disagree.  Some of you said you would bring along noise cancelling headphones.  But what about when the baby did that "I'm-boneless" slide and slipped out of your lap?  Then what would you do? Because you know he/she would do that about ten thousand times during the flight.  And if I was on the plane and your one-year-old was wailing and you were sitting back, happy as a clam with your noise canceling head phones, how long do you think it would take for me to rip those off your head and use them myself.  Nobody would stick up for you.  They'd just wish they thought of it before I did.  You guys chose the wrong answer!

Here's the new question:

Would you rather...

Use a litter box exclusively in private for a year

You'd have your very own box, you could clean it or change the litter as much as you want, but it's a litter box, you'd have to do everything that comes along with going in a litter box, like squatting, kicking some litter over your product, and using the scoot-your-anus-across-the-carpet method of wiping.  (You better stick to hard food that year.)

OR

Use a toilet in front of a crowd one time

One time and it's over.  One time, but it's a multi-wiper.

"WIPE WIPE WIPE WIPE!"


Vote at the top of the sidebar!

E is for Eloquence

My niece Sid is such a brat but she is so funny.  Lately she has been copying how people talk.  She told my mom one day, "My dad said to me: 'You're annoying,'" and when she said "you're annoying" she said it in a really deep, dumb sounding voice.

Her baby sister recently had a birthday and I asked Sid if the cake was good.  She said to me, "I wanted to touch the frosting but then Mom said, 'DON'TYOUDARETOUCHTHATCAKE!'" and she yelled out the quote in a screamy, devil voice.  Oh, how I laughed.

Recently she was laughing about something so my sister asked her what was so funny.  She said, "Grandma always says to me, 'You're squishing my boob!'  That's funny."  That IS funny.  Why do you let her squish your boobs so much, Mom?

When she isn't doing unflattering impressions of her family members she just copies what you say right after you say it.  I forgot how annoying that is.  Her dad is right.  

D is for Doh! It's Bloggin' Wednesday! : Hobo Siren

Today's Bloggin' post is from Summer from Hobo Siren.  She is blog-married to last week's Bloggin' writer, Kady from A Lady Reveals Nothing.  Lately they've been doing podcasts together.  Hilarious.

That's Summer on the left.  She's an insomniac.  Kady is
on the right.  She's not an insomniac.

It's not to late to get in on Bloggin' Wednesday.  Email your answers to me if you want to be featured!

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about? 
Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got
some horrible feedback?

I’m not sure about my “niche.” I tend to describe it as being about travel and
being cheap, and stories about weird and awkward things that happen to me—
mostly while traveling or being cheap. I’ve called it a “lifestyle blog” before, but it
made my stomach hurt a little.

I haven’t been doing this that long. I wrote less than a dozen posts intended for
less than a half-dozen friends when I moved away once, and I kept a blog when
I was in Southeast Asia (again, target audience=family and friends). I started
blogging regularly in late August 2011. I went back and deleted some really
boring posts that just weren’t very public-audience-accessible. I’ve never gotten
negative feedback, but frankly I don’t write about anything controversial. I just try
to not be boring.

My inspiration mostly lies in weird interactions with homeless people, bad
marketing, and bullet-points. And after this description, perhaps I should just say
that my blog is verbose and sure does likes italics.

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the
bloggers, or are you a lurker?

Not as many as I think I’m supposed to. The thing is—I’m a full-time student who
can’t manage to read everything I’m supposed to read for class. Honestly, I’m
kind of a slow, obsessively thorough reader. It’s like how I have a super slow
metabolism… so why would I eat skittles? They taste like sour potpourri; I’ll have
a steak, thanks. Did I get lost in my metaphor? No, I don’t read a lot of blogs and
when I do, they better count.

I do have contact with other bloggers. Sometimes I feel like Kady (of A Lady
Reveals Nothing) and I are in some weird blog partnership but she has way more
readers than me at this point. We pass blog-jealousy back and forth. I mean she
was just featured on Forbes.com.

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?

I like to let people know when I’m into what they’re doing.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?

8? It makes it so much more rewarding. There’s nothing like an “Oh my gawd
you made me laugh so hard my whole office was like, ‘what is SO funny!?’” I also
love love love group participation, like for my out-of-context-photo-Friday-contest.
It makes me feel like a mama bear. When I started doing Ask Hobo Siren video
responses, the comments were a huge relief. Putting a video up was terrifying,
even if it felt funny to me.

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?
Frequently

6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  

I have an embarrassingly low number of followers. This might be because I’m not
sure if I have a “follow this blog” button. Hmmm…

7.  How do you promote your blog?

I’m the worst at this. I honestly can’t say I’ve done anything to promote. My
version of promotion is inserting hyperlinks in this response I’m sending to Sarah.
I post my links on Twitter, but only have about 60 Twitter followers. I’d like to
think if I build it, they will come, but this does not seem to be the case.
It’s not that I don’t want to work to get more followers; I just don’t want to look like
I’m working to get more followers. Hey, Sarah’s followers (both of you): do my
blog too!

8.  Do you write for any other sites?

Not regularly. I will be featured on this blog shortly. Would you like me to write on
your blog? I can do this:

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

Hands down, making people laugh is all the validation a middle-child chubster
from a dysfunctional family needs. Every so often, someone says, “I read your
blog… it’s really funny.” Man, this makes my day. They’re always the phantom
readers; sometimes this message comes via a sibling in the form of, “Man, your
sister’s blog is really funny.”

Least favorite… the numbers game. I’ll get a huge spike in readership for a bit,
but it will taper out over the months and then all of the sudden, I have the same
readership I had my second month blogging. It makes me wonder what I’m
doing wrong and in turn makes me critical of blogs with heavy readership (how
awesome is the phrase “heavy readership”?) Like, why does this girl who posts
photos of her outfit have 700 followers? I have outfits!

Also, I am a writing student (technical writing/communications, editing, etc.) and
I’d like to make a living as a freelance writer. I’m always torn between trying to
build my blog as a portfolio (like actually show “professional” writing) or simply
build it as what it is right now—a silly anecdotal picture diary.
In addition, I hate feeling guilty about not posting when I’m dry and the
occasional—why do I spend so much time on this?

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when
you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?

I would encourage bloggers to understand that writing is rewriting. I don’t
necessarily sit down and write a post that goes up the next day. I have lots of
drafts floating around. They might contain just a title or the outline or bones of a
post. When I’m feeling buzzed inspired, I’ll sit down and dump a bunch of words
on the screen then come back and clean them up. This is also a good way to
avoid publishing over-confessional, over-earnest, over-bitter stuff you will take
down later.

I would also encourage bloggers to have sort of one or two cheaty-gimmecky
regular features, because I think a lot of us feel pressure to produce content most
days of the week and we’re not getting paid enough (wait, are you guys getting
paid?) to work that hard or long at producing content, so you will eat your
Sunday Guh and your Weekly Hybrid Neologism and you will like it.

I tend to groan over extremely earnest, inspirational stuff that encourages us all
to think stuff like, we are all awesome and amazing and beautiful and creative.
Frankly, I’m not sure that’s not a dangerous message and it’s a bit tacky. Saying
stuff like that is probably not the way to increase readership, huh? I also don’t like
fat or short bloggers.

I once found this blog—I was two posts in and thinking, yeah this chick is funny
and irreverent—but she completely lost me with a post about how Rihanna’s
crotch-grabbing was sexually-empowering.
I’m just kidding about not liking fat or short bloggers. Was it necessary for me to
clarify?

C is for Celebrity

Last weekend we asked the kids if they wanted to go out for dinner.  And they both said, "YEAH!" and Sam said, "Let's go somewhere nice this time.  Like Bridgeman's."  The fact that they think Bridgeman's is fine dining is a little worrisome, but hey, they are cheap dates. (The fact that they are such cheap dates really is worrisome.)

While we there a local celebrity came in with his wife. (Celebrities, they're just like us...) It was Dennis Anderson, a long time news anchor, now retired.

We recognized him, of course, everyone here does, but big deal.  He was a news anchor/mortician.  The most interesting little factoid I know about him is that he wore an obvious toupee when on the air, but didn't wear it when he was being a funeral director.  I don't even know if that is true, I just heard it somewhere.  He was wearing the toupee to Bridgeman's, of course, because of the fine dining.

Sam said hello to him and seemed a little giddy which I thought was cute and weird.  Then I looked across the table at Kira.  Her eyes were like saucers and her mouth was hanging open.  She was absolutely in awe of sharing the same space with Denny Anderson.  DENNY ANDERSON!  She was speechless.  She loves him because he looks like Teddy Roosevelt.  Unfortunately her speechlessness didn't last and she started talking non-stop about him.  He was sitting in the booth right behind us and I'm sure he could hear her.  We had to leave because she was whipping herself up into a celebrity frenzy.  She wanted to ask for his autograph.  We wouldn't let her.  I wonder what she would have done with Denny's autograph?

B is for Blech

My coffee tastes like someone with coffee breath swished it around in their mouth, and then spit it onto a sweaty sock which was then wrung out into my coffee pot.  

(that's not steam, those are stink lines)

A is for Animal Hybrids

(I have decided to participate in the A to Z blogging challenge for the month of April.  The only thing this means for you, readers, is that all my posts will be titled "___ is for ___" depending on the letter of the day.  If you have any suggestions for any of the letters, leave me your ideas in the comments and I'll see what I can do.)

It's spring!  So today I went outside to enjoy nature and see what is going on in my beautiful town of Duluth, Minnesota!  I love taking every opportunity to go outside into the elements and mingle with strangers and get extra exercise.

First of all, I went on my deck to see the new spring birdies:

Well, this seems strange.  This bird seems to have a bunny head and he's eating the brand new buds on all my trees.  Great.  Bunnies with no limits.  

And look at this one!  Cute!  He doesn't care too much for seeds though.  I offered him some and he got this sad look on his face.  He mostly wants to chew up dirty underwear and eat cat poop.  Those things aren't as delightful in a hanging feeder.  But if I don't do it he barks his stupid little high-pitched, annoying bark.  

I was having so much fun outside, enjoying being away from my TV and computer that I decided to take a trip down to the lake to see lake-nature!  I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one of the rare Lake Superior penguins.  They are coming ashore to nest.  

Raaaarrr.

Just kidding!  I didn't really go outside!  A is also for April Fool.