M is for - Would you rather... (what? I couldn't think of an M word and it's time for a new Would You Rather question. Okay?)

It's time for a new Would You Rather question!  Last week the question was "Would you rather use a litter box in private for a year, or use a toilet in front of an audience one time"  That was a tough question because neither choice is very fun to think about, but think about it you did!  You thought about what kind of litter you could use, you thought about having a marathon poop in front of the audience, you worried that if you chose the litter box option, you could never leave the house again, which made me think, "You poop in bathrooms other than your own? How???"  I chose the litter box option because I think I'd rather die than eliminate my waste in front of an audience.  But why is it so humiliating?  Everyone does it.  The majority of you chose to go in front of a crowd.  I can hardly go in a bathroom stall.

So this week's question is more of a "What would you love more," than "Would you rather."  Here it is:

Would you rather...

Have wings instead of arms 
(yes, there is flying, but no hands)

OR

Have hooves instead of feet
 (clop clop clop)

Like this but permanent! 

If you have a "Would You Rather" question idea, email it to me!

L is for Love

Mitch is so in love with me.  You know how I know that?  Because he skinned his knee the other day and, knowing my love of picking scabs, cultivated the perfect pickin' scab, and this morning he let me pick it.  He whined and flinched and cried like a baby, like I was ripping duct tape off his eyeballs, but he didn't stop me.  He did all that just for me.  I would much rather pick a good scab than get a dozen roses, and Mitch knows that.  THAT's true love.

My sister told me once that in the dating world there is a concept called "The jar of scabs." Imagine you are in the bathroom of someone you just started dating. You are snooping.  In the medicine cabinet you find a jar full of.... something....what is that?...Bacos?...raisins?....Oh my god... it's scabs.  This is something your date never wanted you to know about, or at least not yet.  It's his literal jar of scabs.

Everyone tries to hide their most disgusting habit; their metaphorical "jar of scabs," if you will.  You can't let your dates know that you, for example: wipe your boogers on the underside of your end tables, or smell your ear wax, or eat when you're on the toilet; until they are so invested, and are so crazy about you that if they ever find out about it, they have no choice but to ignore it.  It just turns out that my "jar of scabs" is actually scabs.  I don't keep the scabs or anything.  After the scab is picked, I don't want anything to do with it.  I just like picking them off.  Boy, I'm really saying scab a lot in this post, scab scab scab.

Anyway, Mitch knows about my jar of scabs (metaphorical! I already told you I don't keep them! Gross!), and although he is disgusted by it, he knows what it means to me, so he was sweet enough to carefully cultivate a perfect scab for me to pick, even though it grossed him out, even though it literally hurt him to do it.  So, thank you again, Mitch.  I love you too.

What is your jar of scabs?




FYI:  I typed "jar of scabs" into Google images.  There were 54,000 results. Do NOT google "jar of scabs."

K is for a non-Kangaroo and some other animals that didn't jump through a hoop

Conversation I had with a second grader last week:

Kid:  Did you see the animal show yesterday?

Me:  No, did you have an animal show at school?

Kid: Yes!  The guy had a big turtle and he tried to make it jump through a hoop!

Me:  Oh really?  Did he do it?

Kid:  No.

Me:  Were there any other animals?

Kid:  Yeah, the guy had a giant bunny that hopped on its back legs.

Me:  Are you sure it wasn't a kangaroo?

Kid:  Yeah, I'm sure.  It was way smaller than a kangaroo.  The guy tried to make him jump through the hoop too.

Me:  Did he do it?

Kid:  No.

Me:  Oh.

Kid: He had a big snake too.

Me:  Did the snake jump through the hoop?

Kid:  No.

giant bunny

J is for Joy! It's Bloggin' Wednesday! : Angie Uncovered

Today's Bloggin' feature is brought to us by Angie from Angie Uncovered.  Check out her blog!  Thanks Angie!  It's never too late to submit your own Bloggin' answers.  Email them to me!

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?

My little slice of blogosphere is mostly about self-discovery and relationships. I write about family and growing up (then and now) as a way of figuring out where I’ll go from here and how it impacts my relationship decisions. As to the pulling a post... hell yes. I have written about an ex or two and then realized they may see it and I didn’t want to acknowledge (to them) how much they had hurt me so I unpublished. I’m still a bit of a sissy sometimes.

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?

I have about 30 blogs I follow regularly. I have had real-life contact with other bloggers and plan to have more meet ups in the future.

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?

If the blog makes me smile or think I always try to let the writer know that it moved me in one way or another. Of course there are times I will enjoy someone’s writings and feel I have nothing of value to add. Many times I wish blogs had a like button. In some cases I will submit them to stumbleupon.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?

I’m dead in the middle on that scale. There are times when I just don’t care because I’ve written strictly for myself and from my heart. When I am writing for feedback I specifically ask for it. They are awesome either way! Comments are ALWAYS welcome. It’s nice to know you’ve left an impression.

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?

Always. Sometimes I’m late (weekends usually), but I try to reply to everyone. They’ve taken their time to read my work and share part of themselves with me, so I feel it’s the least I can do. It helps that many of my commenters are very compelling in their own right!

6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  

I believe I have 72 currently. It’s all been organic, word of mouth, people who have found me through other blogs or blog comments.

7.  How do you promote your blog?

Twitter, Facebook, Stumble, Google+

8.  Do you write for any other sites?

I have written at Bloggy Moms and Eden Café. I also do a weekly point/counterpoint segment with Shane at WagtheDad.com. It’s been a great experience in writing and debate.

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

The favorite part for me is that it’s cathartic. Whether I have heartache, irritation, or joy bubbling to the surface my blog gives me an outlet.

I don’t know that I have a least favorite side!

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?

Stick with it. No one else can tell you how to write your story. If you write what you’re feeling  even when you didn’t choose the topic you can’t go wrong.

I try to remember that everyone’s blog has it’s own purpose. I said try. I have only hate one hateful experience with a blog when they were asking for money for a personal reason after bragging for a week straight about their recent vacation. Poor form!

I love seeing a blog that someone actually puts their heart into and can show you a glimpse of the real person behind the keystrokes.

I is for I'm writing a book

I started writing my book about subbing for real lately.  I pretty much have it mapped out and know what content I want in it, and now I have to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, organize, smooth it out, make better transitions, cut out the offensive parts etc. etc. etc.  It's going pretty well now that I've made it easier to access.  I originally had it on an Open Office document, just one huge file.  It was too overwhelming.  I moved it to Google Docs and separated the files into tentative chapters.  Now I don't have to worry about losing it if my computer crashes, and I can work on it anywhere I have internet access, and my handy dandy, professional copy editor (my aunt) who-is-free-because-we're-relatives can get access to it through Google.  (Have I mentioned before how much I love Google?)  It was great last week when I was working in a math class and the kids were taking tests all day.

The writing is fun and not too hard.  I don't think I will have any trouble finishing it.  I might have trouble knowing when to stop revising. What I have NO CLUE about is marketing and distribution.  My aunt's friend Karen wrote a book recently and published it through CreateSpace.  I started a CreateSpace account but I haven't quite figured it out and it's kind of frustrating and overwhelming.

I also looked at other self-publishing sites.  One of which is AuthorHouse.  I answered a few questions on their site and a few days later a man named Buddy called me to chat about what kind of book it is.  He thought it was a biography and he was saying, "Is this just for family or...?" and I finally figured out that he thought I was just writing a biography about my average, ho hum life and who the heck is going to buy that?  But then I made him realize that it wasn't a book about me, but a book about what it has been like to be a substitute teacher, and then he was like, "Whew!  That's more like it!  Yeah, that's a great idea!"  - Much more marketable!  Every potential author wants to tap into the huge substitute teacher demographic.  I told Buddy that I know nothing about marketing and distribution and he said that I should get a blog, (check) and utilize social media, (check).  I told him I had a blog already and sent him the link.  He said he likes it.  I also sent him my introduction and he said he "laughed out loud," and I've chosen to assume that's because he thinks it's funny, not because I'm ridiculous.  He said the rest of the marketing and distribution will come after the book is done and published.

I also looked on Amazon for other substitute teacher memoirs and there are two or three and they don't have very good reviews.  I looked at the comments they got and I'm trying to address the problems the readers had with those books and not make the same mistakes with my book.  One woman said she was looking for more practical tips on classroom management, which made me rethink the part in my book where I advise potential future subs to come into a room full of kindergarteners and greet them by saying, "Good morning you little sons of bitches!"  Or that you can totally eliminate all potential behavior problems in any grade by simply carrying  loaded guns around with you at all times on an old-west type gun belt, and shooting the ceiling if the kids don't listen.  Yosemite Sam teaching. (I'd use blanks, duh!)  But maybe people don't think guns in school are funny? (yet).  Like I said, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite!

H is for Haiku

Nobody reads my
Blog on Saturdays. Hey, pay
Attention to me.

No toilet paper

In the downstairs bathroom.

Hey Mitch, what the fuck?

Lucas, why ride your

horse so hard? Don't you think he
gets tired? Calm down.

Would I look dumb if
I wore a gun belt?  I think
I'd look cool. Pew! Pew!

Carbohydrates: my
best friends in the world. I want
more noodles please.  Now.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter.  

When Sam was about three...

I brought him to see a freaky-ass Easter bunny like the ones in these pictures...

That particular bunny had a big, gaping, freaky smile made of black mesh so the person inside could see out.

Sam was very excited and sat on the bunny's lap...

And stared at his face...

Then he ran back to me where I was...

Far, FAR away from the scary bunny, and he said,

"Mom, that bunny ate a kid!  I could see it in his mouth!"

Now we're both afraid of the Easter Bunny.

(thanks to Awkward Family Photos for all the scary pictures)

G is for Gee whiz, my sister has a blog!

My sister Amy is kind of a big shot in the U.S. Navy (well, a middle shot maybe. Or a peon. I don't really know.  She's somewhere between Gomer Pyle and General Schwarzkopf.  I think.)  Anyhoo, she is going to Afghanistan in several months, so she is starting training for the job she is going to have there.  Everyone told her to keep a journal while she is there but she is no good at journaling, but she wanted to keep a record of her experiences so she started a blog.  It's called Sailing into the Desert.  You should follow her and read all about her experiences.

I was going to put an embarrassing picture of Amy here,
but then it occurred to me that maybe it's not a good
 idea to embarrass a person who has tons of embarrassing
 pictures of me and now also has a blog.
But I was so looking forward to putting an embarrassing picture up,
so instead I am including this picture of my other sister,
Beth, who does NOT have a blog.  (Ha ha, Beth.  Bet you wish you had a blog.)

This is from when she was in basketball in eighth grade.
I mostly like that her shirt says, "It all happens here."

Oh, and nice hair.

She seems to be looking forward to this adventure, but I keep telling her that Afghanistan is a shithole.  No, I've never been there, but I'm pretty sure it's a big giant shithole.  Especially if you're a woman.  Lots of illiterate men with gross beards and guns who spend more time and effort on bombing big ancient Buddhas than they do providing food or education for their people.  Heaven (sarcasm font) Oh well, as long as she doesn't drive, show her hair, or speak before she's spoken to it should be sweet. (again with the sarcasm) 


I don't want her to go, can you tell?  Mostly because it's so far away and it's dangerous!, but also for selfish reasons: I really liked visiting her in Washington D.C. and San Diego and Monterrey, but I don't want to go to Kabul or Qandahar for sister's weekend.  That would SUCK.

So go to her blog, follow her, comment on her posts.  Do it.

F is for, "For Corn's Sake! It's time for a New Poll Question!"

Yes, it's time for a new question.  Last week's question, "Would you rather fly across the Pacific on a crowded plane with a one year old, or eat a delicious burger made from cat meat," had interesting results.  I personally would much MUCH rather eat cat meat.  If it was prepared properly, it would be delicious and then I could avoid the twelve hours of flop sweat and frustration I would have to endure to transport a toddler across the ocean.  A good meal or life-sucking frustration.  I think the choice is obvious, but you guys disagree.  Some of you said you would bring along noise cancelling headphones.  But what about when the baby did that "I'm-boneless" slide and slipped out of your lap?  Then what would you do? Because you know he/she would do that about ten thousand times during the flight.  And if I was on the plane and your one-year-old was wailing and you were sitting back, happy as a clam with your noise canceling head phones, how long do you think it would take for me to rip those off your head and use them myself.  Nobody would stick up for you.  They'd just wish they thought of it before I did.  You guys chose the wrong answer!

Here's the new question:

Would you rather...

Use a litter box exclusively in private for a year

You'd have your very own box, you could clean it or change the litter as much as you want, but it's a litter box, you'd have to do everything that comes along with going in a litter box, like squatting, kicking some litter over your product, and using the scoot-your-anus-across-the-carpet method of wiping.  (You better stick to hard food that year.)

OR

Use a toilet in front of a crowd one time

One time and it's over.  One time, but it's a multi-wiper.

"WIPE WIPE WIPE WIPE!"


Vote at the top of the sidebar!

E is for Eloquence

My niece Sid is such a brat but she is so funny.  Lately she has been copying how people talk.  She told my mom one day, "My dad said to me: 'You're annoying,'" and when she said "you're annoying" she said it in a really deep, dumb sounding voice.

Her baby sister recently had a birthday and I asked Sid if the cake was good.  She said to me, "I wanted to touch the frosting but then Mom said, 'DON'TYOUDARETOUCHTHATCAKE!'" and she yelled out the quote in a screamy, devil voice.  Oh, how I laughed.

Recently she was laughing about something so my sister asked her what was so funny.  She said, "Grandma always says to me, 'You're squishing my boob!'  That's funny."  That IS funny.  Why do you let her squish your boobs so much, Mom?

When she isn't doing unflattering impressions of her family members she just copies what you say right after you say it.  I forgot how annoying that is.  Her dad is right.  

D is for Doh! It's Bloggin' Wednesday! : Hobo Siren

Today's Bloggin' post is from Summer from Hobo Siren.  She is blog-married to last week's Bloggin' writer, Kady from A Lady Reveals Nothing.  Lately they've been doing podcasts together.  Hilarious.

That's Summer on the left.  She's an insomniac.  Kady is
on the right.  She's not an insomniac.

It's not to late to get in on Bloggin' Wednesday.  Email your answers to me if you want to be featured!

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about? 
Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got
some horrible feedback?

I’m not sure about my “niche.” I tend to describe it as being about travel and
being cheap, and stories about weird and awkward things that happen to me—
mostly while traveling or being cheap. I’ve called it a “lifestyle blog” before, but it
made my stomach hurt a little.

I haven’t been doing this that long. I wrote less than a dozen posts intended for
less than a half-dozen friends when I moved away once, and I kept a blog when
I was in Southeast Asia (again, target audience=family and friends). I started
blogging regularly in late August 2011. I went back and deleted some really
boring posts that just weren’t very public-audience-accessible. I’ve never gotten
negative feedback, but frankly I don’t write about anything controversial. I just try
to not be boring.

My inspiration mostly lies in weird interactions with homeless people, bad
marketing, and bullet-points. And after this description, perhaps I should just say
that my blog is verbose and sure does likes italics.

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the
bloggers, or are you a lurker?

Not as many as I think I’m supposed to. The thing is—I’m a full-time student who
can’t manage to read everything I’m supposed to read for class. Honestly, I’m
kind of a slow, obsessively thorough reader. It’s like how I have a super slow
metabolism… so why would I eat skittles? They taste like sour potpourri; I’ll have
a steak, thanks. Did I get lost in my metaphor? No, I don’t read a lot of blogs and
when I do, they better count.

I do have contact with other bloggers. Sometimes I feel like Kady (of A Lady
Reveals Nothing) and I are in some weird blog partnership but she has way more
readers than me at this point. We pass blog-jealousy back and forth. I mean she
was just featured on Forbes.com.

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?

I like to let people know when I’m into what they’re doing.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?

8? It makes it so much more rewarding. There’s nothing like an “Oh my gawd
you made me laugh so hard my whole office was like, ‘what is SO funny!?’” I also
love love love group participation, like for my out-of-context-photo-Friday-contest.
It makes me feel like a mama bear. When I started doing Ask Hobo Siren video
responses, the comments were a huge relief. Putting a video up was terrifying,
even if it felt funny to me.

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?
Frequently

6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  

I have an embarrassingly low number of followers. This might be because I’m not
sure if I have a “follow this blog” button. Hmmm…

7.  How do you promote your blog?

I’m the worst at this. I honestly can’t say I’ve done anything to promote. My
version of promotion is inserting hyperlinks in this response I’m sending to Sarah.
I post my links on Twitter, but only have about 60 Twitter followers. I’d like to
think if I build it, they will come, but this does not seem to be the case.
It’s not that I don’t want to work to get more followers; I just don’t want to look like
I’m working to get more followers. Hey, Sarah’s followers (both of you): do my
blog too!

8.  Do you write for any other sites?

Not regularly. I will be featured on this blog shortly. Would you like me to write on
your blog? I can do this:

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

Hands down, making people laugh is all the validation a middle-child chubster
from a dysfunctional family needs. Every so often, someone says, “I read your
blog… it’s really funny.” Man, this makes my day. They’re always the phantom
readers; sometimes this message comes via a sibling in the form of, “Man, your
sister’s blog is really funny.”

Least favorite… the numbers game. I’ll get a huge spike in readership for a bit,
but it will taper out over the months and then all of the sudden, I have the same
readership I had my second month blogging. It makes me wonder what I’m
doing wrong and in turn makes me critical of blogs with heavy readership (how
awesome is the phrase “heavy readership”?) Like, why does this girl who posts
photos of her outfit have 700 followers? I have outfits!

Also, I am a writing student (technical writing/communications, editing, etc.) and
I’d like to make a living as a freelance writer. I’m always torn between trying to
build my blog as a portfolio (like actually show “professional” writing) or simply
build it as what it is right now—a silly anecdotal picture diary.
In addition, I hate feeling guilty about not posting when I’m dry and the
occasional—why do I spend so much time on this?

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when
you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?

I would encourage bloggers to understand that writing is rewriting. I don’t
necessarily sit down and write a post that goes up the next day. I have lots of
drafts floating around. They might contain just a title or the outline or bones of a
post. When I’m feeling buzzed inspired, I’ll sit down and dump a bunch of words
on the screen then come back and clean them up. This is also a good way to
avoid publishing over-confessional, over-earnest, over-bitter stuff you will take
down later.

I would also encourage bloggers to have sort of one or two cheaty-gimmecky
regular features, because I think a lot of us feel pressure to produce content most
days of the week and we’re not getting paid enough (wait, are you guys getting
paid?) to work that hard or long at producing content, so you will eat your
Sunday Guh and your Weekly Hybrid Neologism and you will like it.

I tend to groan over extremely earnest, inspirational stuff that encourages us all
to think stuff like, we are all awesome and amazing and beautiful and creative.
Frankly, I’m not sure that’s not a dangerous message and it’s a bit tacky. Saying
stuff like that is probably not the way to increase readership, huh? I also don’t like
fat or short bloggers.

I once found this blog—I was two posts in and thinking, yeah this chick is funny
and irreverent—but she completely lost me with a post about how Rihanna’s
crotch-grabbing was sexually-empowering.
I’m just kidding about not liking fat or short bloggers. Was it necessary for me to
clarify?

C is for Celebrity

Last weekend we asked the kids if they wanted to go out for dinner.  And they both said, "YEAH!" and Sam said, "Let's go somewhere nice this time.  Like Bridgeman's."  The fact that they think Bridgeman's is fine dining is a little worrisome, but hey, they are cheap dates. (The fact that they are such cheap dates really is worrisome.)

While we there a local celebrity came in with his wife. (Celebrities, they're just like us...) It was Dennis Anderson, a long time news anchor, now retired.

We recognized him, of course, everyone here does, but big deal.  He was a news anchor/mortician.  The most interesting little factoid I know about him is that he wore an obvious toupee when on the air, but didn't wear it when he was being a funeral director.  I don't even know if that is true, I just heard it somewhere.  He was wearing the toupee to Bridgeman's, of course, because of the fine dining.

Sam said hello to him and seemed a little giddy which I thought was cute and weird.  Then I looked across the table at Kira.  Her eyes were like saucers and her mouth was hanging open.  She was absolutely in awe of sharing the same space with Denny Anderson.  DENNY ANDERSON!  She was speechless.  She loves him because he looks like Teddy Roosevelt.  Unfortunately her speechlessness didn't last and she started talking non-stop about him.  He was sitting in the booth right behind us and I'm sure he could hear her.  We had to leave because she was whipping herself up into a celebrity frenzy.  She wanted to ask for his autograph.  We wouldn't let her.  I wonder what she would have done with Denny's autograph?

B is for Blech

My coffee tastes like someone with coffee breath swished it around in their mouth, and then spit it onto a sweaty sock which was then wrung out into my coffee pot.  

(that's not steam, those are stink lines)

A is for Animal Hybrids

(I have decided to participate in the A to Z blogging challenge for the month of April.  The only thing this means for you, readers, is that all my posts will be titled "___ is for ___" depending on the letter of the day.  If you have any suggestions for any of the letters, leave me your ideas in the comments and I'll see what I can do.)

It's spring!  So today I went outside to enjoy nature and see what is going on in my beautiful town of Duluth, Minnesota!  I love taking every opportunity to go outside into the elements and mingle with strangers and get extra exercise.

First of all, I went on my deck to see the new spring birdies:

Well, this seems strange.  This bird seems to have a bunny head and he's eating the brand new buds on all my trees.  Great.  Bunnies with no limits.  

And look at this one!  Cute!  He doesn't care too much for seeds though.  I offered him some and he got this sad look on his face.  He mostly wants to chew up dirty underwear and eat cat poop.  Those things aren't as delightful in a hanging feeder.  But if I don't do it he barks his stupid little high-pitched, annoying bark.  

I was having so much fun outside, enjoying being away from my TV and computer that I decided to take a trip down to the lake to see lake-nature!  I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one of the rare Lake Superior penguins.  They are coming ashore to nest.  

Raaaarrr.

Just kidding!  I didn't really go outside!  A is also for April Fool.

Be careful!

Today on TV Mitch and I saw a paraplegic racing down a hill on a ski like this:

And Mitch said, (to the guy on the ski), "Be careful or you'll paralyze the rest of yourself!"

I can't stop laughing about it.  

I have FEELINGS now! I hate it!

It is so cold and clammy in my house right now I can hardly stand it.  My feet feel like a couple of dead fish and I think the only way to warm them up will be to exercise.  Exercise! Do you have any idea how angry that makes me?  I don't want to exercise!  In fact, I've been in a snit about every tiny thing lately.  I think it might be my new medicine. It's working on the depression but I feel emotions now, as opposed to when I was on the SSRIs and went through life with a blissful Spock-like detachment. Oh how I miss that...

"I couldn't give two shits"

Now I CARE about everything!  Six months ago if I saw a dog turd in my yard I'd think to myself, "Whoa, don't step there," and I'd make a mental note to avoid that spot until someone else picked it up, or it got run over and flung into oblivion by the lawn mower, or the dog re-ate it.  Now I see a dog turd in the yard and I feel an impotent rage that causes me to reluctantly grid my entire yard and go through it square foot by square foot and pick up all the turds with a kiddy shovel and garden claw all while swearing prolifically and gagging.  Sweet Jesus, what is happening to me?

It's not just anger either.  I feel other things that I haven't felt in a long time too. When I see or read something funny I laugh until tears are streaming down my face. When I see something sad I cry actual tears from my eyes.  I cried at the Hunger Games last weekend. CRIED!!  Also, I read the final chapter of Redwall to a class of fourth graders last week and almost started crying because some stupid mouse-priest was on his deathbed and all the little woodland rodents were sad.  I had to stop and pretend I had to cough in order to pull myself together.  Gah! I hate this!  I hate lots of things now that before I just found slightly annoying.  I love things I loved before but now I love them with a newly obsessive intensity. (Kira: "Mom, don't kiss me so HARD!  It hurts!" Me: "I LOVE YOU, SHUT UP!") 

Now it's time for me to get up and put on my stupid sweatpants, put in my goddamn exercise tape and get all sweaty and out of breath.  I used to find that slightly inconvenient, but now I feel like Deb from the Slim in Six tape is out to get me and her goal is to irritate me into good shape. If irritation could burn calories, I would be so fucking skinny right now.  

Would you rather...

It's time for a new Would You Rather question.  Last week's question, "Would you rather tell your mom what a rusty trombone is, or regurgitate an egg in front of your boss" wasn't even close.  Most of you would much rather tell your mom about a disturbing sexual activity than pop a whole egg out of your mouth.  I thought that popping the egg out would win because it's kind of neat, but clearly you like to shock your mothers more. (me too)  For those of you who didn't already know what a rusty trombone was and looked it up; I feel like I should say I'm sorry, but I'm not really sorry.  I'm still kind of laughing inside. On to this week's question:

Would you rather fly in coach across the Pacific Ocean, in a jam-packed plane with a one-year-old

Baby on a plane.  (Get it?)

OR

Eat a delicious hamburger made from cat meat 

"I'm delicious"

Bloggin': A Lady Reveals Nothing

It's Bloggin' Wednesday again!  This week we hear from Kady from A Lady Reveals Nothing which is one of my top three favorite blogs.  She's hilarious.  Check her out!  Thanks Kady!  


1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?  I don't think I really have a "niche".  Obviously my focus is travel, embarrassing stories, humiliating my dad, quoting Summer, etc...but nothing is really off limits.  Except seriousness.  I try to avoid seriousness.  I have pulled posts, because they were dumb.  When I first started my blog, it was just for family members only and there were a couple dumb posts that I took off, I don't do it very often and I don't ever get bad feedback.  Fortunately.  (That's not to say I get good feedback either.)


2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?  I do read a lot of blogs.  I love reading blogs.  How many?  No idea.  I subscribe to like a hundred but very few of them update often.  Sometimes I lurk and sometimes I contact.  I love my blog friends.


3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?  I try to, but sometimes I can't think of anything especially witty.  I ALWAYS read, but I don't always comment.


4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?  10.  I love comments!  I wish I could turn off that dumb word verification thing.  I think it turns some commentors off.


5.  Do you respond to your commentors? Yes.  It's polite.  And my commenters are so funny.  Have you read my comments?  They're sometimes better than the blog post.


6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  69...I don't know how.  I got a bunch from you, and some are friends and some are random.


7.  How do you promote your blog?  I am trying to branch out now finally.  When I travel, I make cool business cards with my contact information including my blog address and hand them out to people I meet (not in a weird way.  More like, "here's my email...")


8.  Do you write for any other sites?  Only once, but I would love to do more of it.  I have a few blogs in my profile, but A Lady Reveals Nothing is the only one I really update.


9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?  I love that people read it.  I have actually met random strangers who tell me they love my blog.  When I go to my hometown, I always meet a few people that tell me they are rabid fans and it makes me feel good that people keep up with my writing.  I hate uploading photos.  I hate trying to make them the same width as my blog column...but it makes my blog look nice and profesh so I do it.  Sometimes I have writer's block and feel pressure to post something even though I got nothin'.  That makes me feel anxious, but nobody really cares but me probably.  I just committed to a daily post and I try really hard to follow through.


10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?  I like comedy.  I like travel advice.  I like cute girls blogging about fashion.  I don't really read anybody who put stuff up that I hate.  Advice?  Post often, be interesting, be funny.

Kira in the Car

Could you possibly make me a chipmunk harness?

Hulky

I was out of town for the weekend, visiting with family and old friends. I got up this morning to work what I thought would be a super easy day. It was a job for a second/third grade split class, which would normally be hard, but I know/(knew) for a fact that there was an excellent student teacher in that class so I thought I could breeze through the day listening to the occasional crazy story and helping individual kids with math or reading.  Well, the student teacher has strep throat so she was gone.  It was all me today.  It was fun, but exhausting.

I've been working so much or been gone, so I have totally ignored anything domestic for over a week.  That fucking laundry really piles up.  I don't know why but lately the sight of piles of dirty laundry makes my blood pressure rise and makes me actually ANGRY.  I feel like David Banner.  I see damp towels, and inside-out pants, and dirty socks all over the laundry room floor and I can practically feel the seams of my purple pants ripping and my skin turning green.

I need some more goddamn Downy AAAAAHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGG!

I never liked doing laundry before but now it actually makes me mad.  Stupid clothes, getting dirty, day in, day out.

Kira's path of destruction also makes me angry lately too.  I shouldn't be able to come home and see everything she has done and every place she has been based on the litter she has left behind, should I?  Is it too much to ask a 12 year old to pick up her own shit?  I found two flute-o-phones in the bathroom today.  TWO!  My latest domestic peeve is the fact that she leaves her dresser drawers hanging open with clothes draped out all over the place.  I've been telling her for months and months to SHUT THOSE DAMN DRAWERS! and still they are left open.  The other night around midnight I was going to take her book off her sleeping face and give her a little kiss, and when I walked in I accidentally ran into the open bottom drawer.  HUUUUULK MAAAAAAAD!

I flicked the overhead light on and said, "GET UP!" I think she probably thought the house was on fire or something.  When I was finally able to wake her up and drag her ass out of bed and tell her to SHUT HER GODDAMN DRAWERS she looked at me like I was a crazy person.  I upped the crazy by telling her that if I see them open like that again I'd take the dresser.  She looked at me like I had finally lost my marbles and carefully asked what she would do with all her clothes if I took her dresser (also implicitly asking where I would put an extra dresser), as if I hadn't already thought that through.  I actually hadn't thought that through.  I hadn't thought any further ahead than causing her some inconvenience and annoyance.  So I guess the consequence of her losing her dresser would be piles of her clothes all over the floor.  The very thing that causes my total hulk-like irrational rage.  Also, I'd have an extra piece of furniture cluttering up my house.  What kind of a corner have I painted myself into?

Let's all hope she keeps her drawers shut.

I didn't get any permission to write this

I saw this picture on a link a friend put up on Facebook.  The link was for a story in The Mudflats called Help! Help! There's an Elephant in my Uterus!  and I laughed and laughed because that's ri-DIC-ulous!  An elephant?  In my UTERUS!?  HA!  It would never fit!  And how would it ever come out!?  Yikes!  Talk about a hibernation plug! (gross, lol!)  So I clicked on the link to read more of the outrageous hilarity.

It was a story about how the state of Alaska is the latest state to consider a mandatory ultrasound law for women who seek abortions.  What's this "mandatory ultrasound," I thought to myself, (still laughing about the elephant in my uterus),  I could hardly get approval from my health insurer for an ultrasound that I wanted to have when I was pregnant and had no intention of getting an abortion.  About this time I was realizing this was not a hilarious humor article about stuffing enormous animals into small spaces.  Oh.

Alaska (along with Idaho, Pennsylvania, Texas (of course),and Virginia) is trying to pass a law so a woman who seeks an abortion must have a medically unnecessary ultrasound whether she wants it or not.  I actually heard about this a few weeks ago on a blog called The Middle Voice.  The title of her post was called Virginia's New Honor Rape Law, and she brilliantly compared the way some countries in the Middle East punish women by raping them (which nobody in this country would disagree is appalling) with this new law.  She said the only ultrasound that would be able to pick up an early first-trimester pregnancy is a transvaginal ultrasound.  Here's a picture:

So a woman who wants to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy must first be subjected to being penetrated against her wishes for no medical reason, whatsoever.  Hey! That sounds an awful lot like rape! What the FUCK?

The Mudflats article also reported on how the aptly named Alaska State Representative, Alan Dick, said at a House Health and Human Services committee meeting that he doesn't believe when a woman is pregnant that it's really her pregnancy.  He thinks that if a woman wants to get an abortion she should have a permission slip from the impregnator.  A fucking permission slip.  He said,

 “If I thought that the man’s signature was required… required, in order for a woman to have an abortion, I’d have a little more peace about it…”   

He'd feel better if a man gave his permission for a woman to decide whether or not she wants to spend the next eight months carrying a baby she never intended to have.  Because lord knows, men know WAY more about what is good for women than women do.

Representative Dick, a man whose terrible judgement allows him to walk around in public with an Amish chin beard, wants anyone with a uterus to have a permission slip if she decides she doesn't want to carry a pregnancy to term, and then face motherhood or the adoption process; because to him every sperm is sacred.  To be fair, after Dick made that appalling statement, he heard from a LOT of women and he apologized for his "artless" comment and said that maybe a not a permission slip, but the woman should definitely be required to inform the impregnator.  I can't say it any better than this: (from The Mudflats)

There was no clarification about what would happen if the impregnator was a woman’s rapist, or father, or abuser, or how paternity would be determined beforehand. No word about how it would be enforced, or what would legally happen to a woman or a doctor if it wasn’t. No word on how a signature would be validated, or what notarization or witnesses might be necessary to prove the signature was real. Nothing about what happens if a man and a woman disagree, or if a man refuses to acknowledge the notification, or if he can’t be contacted. 

Ladies, we have to wake up and take a role in preventing our country and our bodies from being taken over by neoconservative nutjobs who want to simultaneously prevent the poor and middle class from receiving affordable health care (because, let's be honest, if you have enough money, these particular laws can be sidestepped), but also forcing us to go through with pregnancy whether we want to or not.

We have to stop entertaining ourselves with hilarious ideas of cramming gigantic animals into small spaces ("Help! Help!  There's a narwhal in my small intestine! OMG! LOL!), hibernation plugs (gross! LOL!) and chin beards, and start paying attention to what the people who write the laws are trying to do to us.

Would you rather...

Hi everybody!  It is time for a new Would You Rather question!  I seem to be having trouble finding a hard question for you.  I want some collective indecision!  That being said, I can't BELIEVE you guys - who would prefer to poop your drawers than watch a sex video (of your parents) - would almost all rather do naked yoga with the Gold Guys than eat a bug.  I was sure you'd pick eating a bee.  You're so unpredictable!  It's fascinating!  I love this!

When I make up the questions I don't really ask myself what I would rather do until I see what you guys vote for.  When I really think hard about it I would probably rather do the naked yoga because I love seeing people naked, and my curiosity might outweigh my utter mortification of being naked, in compromising positions, in front of others.

Oo, maybe not.

Also, I think I'd have trouble eating a bee because I have enough trouble swallowing my big vitamin D pills and they don't even have a stinger or a will to live.  My vitamin D pills almost never try to crawl back up my throat.  I think when it comes to eating bees, chewing would be unavoidable and that totally grosses me out.  So I guess I'd rather do the naked yoga too.

This time I'm going to tell you what my vote is before you guys vote.  I don't want to skew the results, but hey, this isn't a scientific poll.  The question is:

Would You Rather...

Explain to your mom what a rusty trombone is,

Oh, sorry Mom, not that kind...

OR

Regurgitate a whole unbroken egg in front of your boss

Mouth-eggs anyone?

I guess I would rather tell my mom what a rusty trombone is.  But to tell the truth, I wouldn't really mind doing either one, but I bet the egg would hurt coming up and I like to avoid any kind of discomfort at all times.  I actually think I might enjoy the look on my mom's face if I told her what it was.  

(not my mom)

Yeah, I might enjoy telling my mom what a rusty trombone is.  I'm going to see her this weekend.  Get ready Mom.  

(Side note)  I told Mitch the new question and his eyes widened and he said, "Regurgitating a whole egg would be AWESOME!  It's not a question of 'would you rather..' as much as 'wouldn't you love to..!'"