Friday, March 30, 2012

I have FEELINGS now! I hate it!

It is so cold and clammy in my house right now I can hardly stand it.  My feet feel like a couple of dead fish and I think the only way to warm them up will be to exercise.  Exercise! Do you have any idea how angry that makes me?  I don't want to exercise!  In fact, I've been in a snit about every tiny thing lately.  I think it might be my new medicine. It's working on the depression but I feel emotions now, as opposed to when I was on the SSRIs and went through life with a blissful Spock-like detachment. Oh how I miss that...

"I couldn't give two shits"
Now I CARE about everything!  Six months ago if I saw a dog turd in my yard I'd think to myself, "Whoa, don't step there," and I'd make a mental note to avoid that spot until someone else picked it up, or it got run over and flung into oblivion by the lawn mower, or the dog re-ate it.  Now I see a dog turd in the yard and I feel an impotent rage that causes me to reluctantly grid my entire yard and go through it square foot by square foot and pick up all the turds with a kiddy shovel and garden claw all while swearing prolifically and gagging.  Sweet Jesus, what is happening to me?

It's not just anger either.  I feel other things that I haven't felt in a long time too. When I see or read something funny I laugh until tears are streaming down my face. When I see something sad I cry actual tears from my eyes.  I cried at the Hunger Games last weekend. CRIED!!  Also, I read the final chapter of Redwall to a class of fourth graders last week and almost started crying because some stupid mouse-priest was on his deathbed and all the little woodland rodents were sad.  I had to stop and pretend I had to cough in order to pull myself together.  Gah! I hate this!  I hate lots of things now that before I just found slightly annoying.  I love things I loved before but now I love them with a newly obsessive intensity. (Kira: "Mom, don't kiss me so HARD!  It hurts!" Me: "I LOVE YOU, SHUT UP!") 

Now it's time for me to get up and put on my stupid sweatpants, put in my goddamn exercise tape and get all sweaty and out of breath.  I used to find that slightly inconvenient, but now I feel like Deb from the Slim in Six tape is out to get me and her goal is to irritate me into good shape. If irritation could burn calories, I would be so fucking skinny right now.  


  1. Doesn't sound like the meds are helping the depression, only awakening your emotions so you can cry/bitch/hate and know to feel all that crap. Yeah, I'd take the "meh, dog crap over there... whatever" attitude over chasing the stupid thing off my property with a rabid look in my eye any day.

    Wanna go chase squirrels with a shotgun?

  2. I'm so excited to see the Hunger Games this weekend (that was the point of this post, right?) -- and now I'm scared as I am a total sap and cry at everything. I cried at the end of the Lorax and in a silent theater, my daughter practically screamed, "Are you CRYING, Mommy?" she will also no longer watch "Mamma Mia" with me, as I cry when "Slipping through my fingers" is sung. Sign me up for the stuff that makes you avoid feelings.

  3. Sandy: I do kind of want to chase squirrels with a shotgun.

    Brute: You will BAWL at the Hunger Games. It's not a happy movie, didn't you hear?

  4. I love your attitude about exercising. Sounds so familiar!


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