Sunday, September 19, 2010

The nursing home, Hooters, and live-blogging Mitch's sick obsession with pantomime horses

OMG you guys, it's been a few days since I blogged!  I usually don't go more than a day or two between blogs.  (Is that obnoxious?  A lot of blogs I read are once a week.  How much of me is too much of me?  I know I get pretty sick of myself sometimes.)  Anyhoo... nothing funny has happened to me this weekend because I spent the better part of it in a nursing home visiting my grandma.  Aging and slow death: not that funny.  There was one old lady who was calling for help to get her door open.  My dad helped her with the knob and I held the door open for her to shuffle in with her walker. There was a SET OF TEETH on her walker seat, and she had a wad of toilet paper hanging out of her pants.  Goodbye dignity!  Every time I walked down the hall past the rooms, there was one man sitting in a chair in his room and he would fart loudly, and I mean LOUDLY, almost every time I went by.  Was it just for me or does everyone get the special fart treatment?  I nicknamed him Sir Fartsalot in my head.

My dad and I went to pick up my grandma's sister, Ogie, at her assisted living home.  Ogie, like my grandma, is sharp as a tack, but frail, and before today I thought she was probably the nicest person on the planet.  We visited with her for a while in her room and asked her how she was and how her neighbors were.  She told us about a lady with alzheimers who sits in the lobby all day and hollers at people.  She told us this lady startles really easy and then gets riled up and wants to talk non-stop which Ogie finds annoying.  Then, as we were walking out through the lobby, Ogie was wheel-walking herself through, and I saw her covertly SLAP THE ALZHEIMERS LADY ON THE HAND and then wheel-walk as fast as she could to the door.  The alzheimers lady jumped and started yakking and hollering, but Ogie was long gone.  She can really move that wheelchair when she wants to. 

Now I'm sitting downstairs in my basement watching Undercover Boss and the CEO of Hooters is on and is seeing how his company is run from the undercover perspective of a low-level peon.  Riveting.  Is Hooters about owls?  Boobs?  Wings?  They don't really address that eternal question on the show.  Oh, wait a minute, the CEO just told me:  It's about respect.  Hooters is not about profits, or wings, or owls, or boobs; it is all about respecting Hooters girls.  Naturally!  How stupid of me.  When I want a good dose of respect I'll throw on some orange shorts and stand in front of some fat fuck manager so he can tell me that I don't have enough make-up on to pass out chicken wings effectively.  Then I'd feel like Susan B. Anthony.

(If this was a full-body picture, you'd be able to see her tiny orange shorts-of-respect.)

I'd really like some Hooters wings right now.

Mitch is sitting next to me now doing intense research on pantomime horses because that is what he and Kira are going to be for Halloween.  I think he is actually going to spend $400 plus on a pantomime horse costume.  He says he's not, but he is really invested at this point and every night I hear him justifying why it would be "so worth it."   He just said "I bet you could get a panto-horse costume in England for next to nothing because they love the panto-horse."  He keeps calling it a "panto-horse" because he's so familiar.  He and Kira want to put the suit on, and then go and trot around Mitch's brother's yard and freak out his nieces.   They also want to enter this race:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0Ajq0W7P1A


Now he just said, "If Kira and I get this costume, I want you to enter us in the fair with all the other horses.  We might be a little anxious at first, you know, because of being in a strange place around all the other horses, but we'll calm down."  Now he's laughing his head off at a video of a pantomime horse laying on the floor trying to get to its feet.   Now he just said, "I bet I've looked at a thousand panto-horse costumes."  Now he just said, "This thing [panto-horse obsession] is bigger than me.  I can't help myself."  Now he just said, "The panto possibilities are endless."  Now he just said, "There's a lot of planning and responsibility that goes into being the front half of a horse."

Enough live-blogging.  I have to go to bed.  Maybe something funny will happen tomorrow.  Here's to hoping.

14 comments:

  1. Did you really just open a "panto-horse" label on this one? Maybe there will be further anectdotal "panto-horse" appearances on my favorite blog? \

    Here's to hoping.

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  2. Is THAT what that horse costume is called? I had no idea. Woe is me to the guy who gets to be in the back end of Sir Fartsalot's costume.

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  3. WOw. All nursing homes ARE the same! Welcome to MY world!!! I listen to this every frickin day. No damn wonder I'm insane.
    And I have alzheimers cuz I can never remember my damn google account info. KIM R.

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  4. So, I'm just curious...is Mitch the front end or the back end of the horse?

    Maybe I don't need to ask that....

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  5. I saw that Uncercover Boss episode. I wanted to shoot that sexist manager through my TV.

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  6. You have made my day with this post! Teeth on the walker... This is so funny!

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  7. Oh, I hate when time and busyness keep me too long between visits.

    You are the best, the best.

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  8. RE: Undercover Boss.

    Yes, I think the appropriate response would be to slap him on his giant man-tits.

    What a weapons-grade dickhead.

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