Fantasies of 4th grade

We were talking about school supplies and stuff, and Kira said, "I hope I don't have to share a locker this year.... (long silence) ..... Mom, if I ever find a monkey digging through my locker, can I keep it?"

I said "Sure."

Betcha can't do this!

My dryer and Kojak

Today I had to go to the laundromat because my dryer broke, but I didn't know it broke until I went to fold what I thought would be clean fresh towels, but were actually putrid, disgustingly smelly towels. So I took all the clothes to the 'mat so I could start fresh. That has nothing at all to do with my post for the day, so you can totally disregard it. I don't know why I wrote it, I just thought you should know.

Anyway, when I got home from the laundromat, I sat down with Mitch in his office to tell him about the dryer and the towels and so on, and he was watching an old episode of Kojak. I think that is the first episode of Kojak that I have ever seen. It is a weird show. Somehow, Telly Savalas, that man in the picture above, is supposed to be kind of sexy?, I think? Really, 1970s people? He's sexy? Apparently so because when I looked for pictures of him to put on the blog, there were a lot to choose from and many MANY were of him without a shirt on, which is a lot like any generic creepy grandpa without a shirt on.

see, I told you

In this particular episode, Kojak was looking for a near-sighted rapist running rampant on a college campus. It was anything but scary, because the rapist had on the thickest glasses I have ever seen a human wear. That actor must not have been able to see anything while they were filming. I'd like to see that blooper reel. I bet there was a lot of tripping and that guy saying, "I have a headache!"

So the big finale was when the near-sighted rapist was chasing a girl backstage in an empty theater, and Kojak caught up with him, but not before Old Four-Eyes could grab the girl and put a knife to her throat. Then Kojak said, "You better put that knife down or I'll take it from you and go from being an experienced cop to being an inexperienced rabbi!" Okay, disregard the awkward sentence structure and just think about that. I'll give you a minute.

Mitch and I stared at each other in awe. What in the hell was that supposed to mean? Was he trying to confuse the near-sighted rapist? As far as we can tell, he means that he would take the knife and circumcise the guy. But, do rabbis do that? I think I learned on Seinfeld that it's a mohel that does circumcision for those in the Jewish faith. Also, what a strange threat, "I'm going to circumcise the crap out of you!"

Well, it worked, Rapey gave up the knife and was taken into custody and then Kojak went outside and talked with the girl's father, but it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying because he put a foot-long cigarello in his mouth and when he talked it would jump all over the place.

It made me totally forget about my dryer troubles.

Skating

I took the kids to open ice skating today and I even brought my skates to see if I've still got my mad skating skills. I don't. I don't think I ever had it, really. In fact, I haven't skated in so long that when I looked in my skates at the rink I found that the mice had been using them as a place to hide the dog food they steal from my dog. I skated for about ten minutes, then I was done. I kept picturing myself falling horribly. But thankfully I didn't. Wait a minute! What's this?

Oh my god! I'm so embarrassed! How did that get on here! Okay, since it's here, I might as well admit it; even though you can't possibly identify this skater because of the black bar over her eyes, it is me. Today. At the rink. I wore this dress because it is just what I threw on this morning when I rolled out of bed. (I always dress like this) I was trying my signature triple sow cow and some pesky little hockey player got in my way and it was either mow him over or take a dive. Thank goodness I got that bikini wax last week! Whew! My butt was a little sore after that, not to mention the headache from the huge crack in my skull, but then Mitch stopped the by the rink so I couldn't say no to a little ice dancing! I changed my dress (so we could match, and because my blue one was full of blood) and off we went!

It was not my lucky day on the ice. This one kind of hurt, although Mitch complimented me on my bikini wax after it happened! That was sweet!

Parenting reflection...

Mitch and I took the kids to the fair last weekend. Typical perfect smallish fair with rides and barns and wonderful "food." We got the kids wristbands so they could go on the rides as much as they wanted. They both really wanted to go on the swing ride:

They got in line and then they were turned away by the man running the ride because he said it was broken. The kids were so disappointed. Here's our conversation:

Sam: Oh... That's the ride I really wanted to go on.

Me: Honey, I think they'll fix it and then you can go on it.

Kira: Who's going to fix it? That guy with the stump?

Me: No, I think that man with the spiderweb tattoo on his neck is going to fix it. See, he's got a wrench! Yay!

The ride was fixed shortly after that and the kids went on it over and over and over again. Here's my question now that I've had some time to reflect:

WTF was I thinking? I put the safety of my CHILDREN in the hands of a carnie with a neck tattoo and a wrench!

In my defense, Mitch was there too. He could have intervened with good judgment. But he didn't. And the ride DID stay fixed and seemed to work perfectly after that. AND I did make sure it went through a few successful runs without flinging other people's kids all over the midway before I let my kids get in line again.

Moral of the story: Don't be afraid to be a wet blanket; but also: Carnies are good repairmen.

Parenting is hard!

I almost died about ten times yesterday...

And here's why:

Mowing the lawn seems to be the most dangerous thing I have ever done. But what about standing on an aluminum ladder in the wet bathtub changing a lightbulb? Nope, not as dangerous. How about standing on my dresser in a squatting position using all the strength in my body to take the window out so I could wash it, risking getting shot across the bedroom and having a huge window break on top of me so whoever found me wouldn't know what it was that actually killed me, the spinal cord injury, or the blood loss? Nope. The riding lawnmower is the real killer. No, I take that back. It's not the lawnmower, it's the trees. Like this one:

This beautiful tree hasn't tried to kill me this year YET, it only grabs my headphones off my head every time I come anywhere near it, but last year it stabbed me in the groin/upper leg area and I pictured a punctured femoral artery and bleeding out before I could get to a phone. No puncture though, whew! Just a huge welt. I call this tree "the grabby crabby" (it's a crab apple tree... ha ha)

This is "Old Strangly." This is the one that strangles me every time I try to mow under it. The grass grows really long under it too, so it has to be mowed a lot. It's probably super fertile ground from all of it's past victims.

This is another apple tree and this one has stabbed me in the neck with rock hard thin little branches a few times. Again, I picture myself bleeding out, but this time from a punctured jugular.

But look at the results! It's worth risking my life every week, wouldn't you say?

We're going to have a bonfire one of these days. Want to come over and roast some marshmallows over the old garage cupboards?

This is an area that has a TON of wild rasberries, but they aren't very well developed because they are being choked by weeds. But guess what has two thumbs and doesn't want to weed it?

This gal!

I talked Kira into trading her underwear for a swimsuit, to try to class up the joint a bit. Look how cute my garden is!

Mmmmm.... organ meat

Kira said to Mitch, "Dad, what is steak and kidney pie made out of?" and Mitch said, "Exactly what it sounds like." She went "Ahhh gross!.... you mean a piece of cow and MY KIDNEY!"

Somehow she made steak and kidney pie a little worse than it actually is. Who knew that could be done? I think I'll show her a picture of haggis and see what she thinks it is.

Mmmmm..... haggis.....

I just called her in from outside (she was following Sam around the yard saying the word "squirrel" in a thick New Jersey accent. (skawarill) I think he found it annoying. Anyway, she emerged from the back yard wearing only underwear because as she says, "It's HOT!" I showed her this picture and asked what she thought it was. She took a good long look and said, "Well, the stuff on the sides is broccoli, and I think the thing in the middle is a dragon egg."

Original. I never would have thought she'd say a dragon egg. She keeps us all on our toes.

I'm in love with No

One time when she was younger, Kira got frustrated with me and said, "You're in love with NO!" and stormed off. I've been thinking about that because I find myself saying no to my kids a lot these days and I thought maybe I should stop being such a bitch and start saying yes once in a while. Since I decided this I've really tried to be more of a yes-woman, but it's like the kids are testing me. Here's an exchange I had with Sam the other day:

Sam: Can I light a piece of dynamite in the driveway?

Me: What are you talking about?

Sam: I've got a piece of mini dynamite and I want to light it to see what happens.

Me: Wait a minute.... you have A PIECE OF DYNAMITE?

(He showed me. It was a wet fire cracker that said "dyno-mite!" on the side of it.)

Me: Where did you get this?

Sam: Kmart

Me: Since when do they sell firecrackers at Kmart?

Sam: It's not a firecracker it's dynamite and they don't sell it. I found it in the parking lot. So... can I light it?

Me: ...... no

Sam: Why not!

Me: Sorry, but I'm not going to let you light the sweaty dynamite you FOUND in the Kmart parking lot. And by the way, when you find sweaty dynamite, LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS!

So, I'm still a bitch I guess.

Chicken vs. Swampy

Willow Tree girl #1 (Reba): Susan, I think we should stay away from Swampy. What began as a dark and brooding mysteriousness, has turned into a dark and not-so mysterious violence against Willow Trees. We have to protect ourselves, and that family behind us! ... It's really dusty on this shelf...

Willow Tree girl #2 (Susan) : Oh Reba, I think you may be right. Last night he came up to me and said, "Gimme Five!," and then he slapped a plate of macaroni and cheese right out of my hands! He laughed and laughed, but I didn't find it very funny. I wanted that macaroni and cheese! You're right, it is dusty on this shelf.

Swampy: Hey! What are you talking about!

Susan: Oh no! Look out!

Reba: Dust! We were talking about dust!

Swampy: You're a trouble maker! I'll show you!

Reba: Why is it always by the face! It's so humiliating and your hands are kind of disgusting. Aaaahhhhh! (falls off the shelf)

Swampy: Now Susan, tell me you're not going to listen to Reba, or you'll be heading off the shelf too.

Susan: Um.... Uh? (whimper) Boy, sure is dusty up here today!

Chicken: Bock.

Chicken: I think you should leave the lady alone.

Swampy: What what what?

Susan: Oh Chicken! My hero!

Chicken: I'm ready for you this time, Slimey. I brought my specially trained sea turtles that I befriended while I was out at sea. BOCK BOCK! Attack, boys!

Swampy: Aaahhh! You'd think it would be more logical for turtles to be on my side, wait, one of these is actually a tortoise, how did you meet him at sea? They're land dwellers, oh, never mind. Susan, Help!

Chicken: That's right boys, dangle him now. See ya later Swampy! Don't come back soon!

Swampy: Ow... good one.


Willow Tree girls: Ohhhhh Pirate Chicken! You saved Willow tree land!

Chicken: Excuse me girls, I have something I have to do.

Chicken: Good boys! You get extra macaroni and cheese tonite!

The End

(Don't judge me! It's fifty degrees outside! I'm bored!)

Dear Mr. Fan

Why must you mock me everyday by sitting in my living room while I shiver through a July that hasn't had a day over 60 degrees? I'm putting you back in the laundry room. Who'll be laughing then?

Monarch caterpillars

I started getting monarchs on my milkweed!

Sam's new blanket

Sam's quilt was getting ratty so I made him a new blanket for his bed. He said it's awesome and he loves it. Awwwwww!

Swampy needs anger management

When I was getting ready for bed last night I noticed that another one of Mitch's toys was making the move on my Willow Tree figurines. This one is a bald, one-eyed, peg-legged, hook-winged, red headed, pirate chicken. Mitch bought it at the dollar store because it was a bald, one-eyed, peg-legged, hook-winged, red headed, pirate chicken. The Willow Tree girls seem to like him. But look who has noticed:

It's Swampy, and he's not too happy about it.

Confrontation!

Swampy: What in the HELL do you think you're doing moving in on my girls, you messed up freakshow!

Chicken: Aaaarrrggggghhh! They seem to be liking me, Matey! I have chest hair! Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier! BOCK!

Willow Tree #1: Swampy, please, we were just talking!

Swampy: (to Willow Tree girl) SHUT UP! Did I ask you? NO! (to Chicken) You better get outta here or else..

Chicken: Or else what? BOCK! What could you possibly do to me that hasn't already been done, huh?

Swampy: I'll show you!

Willow Tree #2: Oh Swampy! My Hero!

Chicken: Hero? What the heck? Does this mean we're not going out on Friday, Susan?

Willow Tree #2: I like a man who can handle himself. (swoon)

Willow Tree #1: Hey Susan, you idiot! He just pushed me down by the face! I thinks that's a red flag!

Willow Tree #2: I can fix him....


Willow Tree #2: Go Swampy, Go!

Swampy: Take that!

Chicken: Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! Me hook, it's stabbing me in me gizzard!


Chicken: Don't drop me! I'm afraid of heights! Walking the plank is how I lost me drumstick! Also, I'm afraid of alligators!


Swampy: He's gone girls, now it's just you and me.

Willow Tree Girls: Ohh Swampy!

Chicken: This will not stand. Nobody pushes Pirate Chicken around and gets away with it..... Nobody..... bock...

To be continued.....

Tia Carrere!

In the car today I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Ballroom Blitz by Sweet, and Mitch told me that it was remade by Tia Carrere.

OMG!, I am so sure I am going to believe that the B-list actress and model is also a singer, and that she is brave enough to remake one of the best songs ever made! How dumb does he think I am?

Long story short: I lost five bucks. I can't believe it.

Parade

It is Heritage Days in Two Harbors this weekend. We went there for the parade and the vendor stands in the park. I love this parade. They throw out TONS of candy. I took lots of pictures.

This is Kira's parade stance. This way she can beat every other kid to the ground-candy. She got a bag of candy that weighs about five pounds.


These people were in the building across the street from us. They threw water balloons at the floats with people on them that they knew, and I'm pretty sure at some people they didn't know. The cop car that led the parade got a balloon right in the window. They absolutely nailed the Class of '49 float which was a flatbed with a bunch of oldies sitting on haybales. The class of '49 was not too happy about it, with all the ladies protecting their hair helmets. One of the guys on the balcony yelled out "HI MOM!" She looked pissed.

This guy was his own float. He was dressed in a crappy knight costume, just marching on his own. He had to plan this out, get a permit, get the outfit together. Why?

Smokey the Bear sweating his balls off in a big piece of machinery.

The best part of any parade, the bagpipe band. Did you know bagpipes are made out of cow stomachs?

For some inexplicable reason, Kira fell in love with the creepy Salvation Army bear. He had zombie eyes.

Ronald McDonald is a ribbon twirler. A skilled ribbon twirler.

I bet this guy was tired. It was really windy today.

I just like this picture.

WTF?