Monday, July 6, 2009

This is mostly true

Mitch just came home and said to me, "You're going to get some funny looks when you go into the credit union for a while."

He went in to deposit a check and the teller gave him some trouble. I imagine it went like this:

Teller - (bored, wants to be at the beach with her boyfriend instead of making eight dollars an hour at the credit union) - Hello Sir, how can I help you today?

Mitch - (hands over the check to be deposited) - Put this in checking please.

Teller - There is a standard two day waiting period for the check to clear.

Mitch - It's a payroll check!

Teller (rolling eyes and apparently oblivious to the fact that the check says Swampthing Environmental Inc. at the top, and Mitch is wearing a Swampthing Environmental shirt.) - Do you have documentation proving it's a payroll check?

Mitch (steam coming from his ears) - Yeah! The check! What's the problem? I'm PUTTING MONEY IN THE BANK!

Teller (getting annoyed and really wishing she was with her boyfriend- He'd show this old guy what's what!) - Uh...

Mitch - Let's pretend that this is, I don't know, say: A SOCIETY, and in this particular venture (waving arms wildly around the credit union) we are out to benefit each other. Using that model, how is playing "gotcha!" and hitting me with 30 dollar overdraft fees by unnecessarily holding a check going to benefit either one of us in the long run? That's like a farmer eating his seeds instead of planting them. What good is that?

Teller (dramatically, obviously rolling her eyes now, imagining how thoroughly her boyfriend could slap this weirdo silly) - ...... okay.....?

Mitch - That's it. Let's go talk to Gladys.

("Gladys" is the unhelpful banker who when we were getting an auto loan was making things extremely difficult until Mitch gave her a quiet and totally embarrassing (for me) dressing down about how she works for us because it is a credit union, and it's in her best interest to keep customers and help them be prosperous instead of seeing how many ways she can make things harder for us, and easier for her. She got incredibly helpful after that, but I've always had the feeling she's being ironic in her helpfulness, like it's her own private, sarcastic joke.)

Mitch (marching to Gladys's office with the petulant teller slumped behind him) - Gladys!

(Gladys is crouched into the far corner of her office. Almost like she is hiding from someone...)

Gladys - AH! Oh, why hello Mr. Johnson! How are you today! How can I help!

Mitch - If I had a baseball, I could throw it and hit my bank from here so why does it take two days for a check FROM ACROSS THE STREET to clear here? Is it because then I'm more likely to overdraft? We've talked about this Glad, that's not good business is it? IS IT?

Gladys - No Sir it is NOT good business! I assure you that your check will be accepted with open arms here, no problem, no way! Even if I have to walk all the way across the street myself to take care of things personally, that's what I'll do for you!

Mitch - Well, apparently your tellers don't know this. Look, I just want to come in here and deposit a check and not have to worry about it. I don't want any trouble because I've chosen to do business with you. If it continues to be difficult to do business here, I'll go somewhere else.

Gladys - (launching herself across her desk and choking the teller) Teller! Did you give this man trouble! I'm going to beat your ass with this rubber hose until you're raw! (pulling a section of rubber hose out of her jacket.)

Teller - Gulllggggchchch!

Mitch - Now come on, I don't think's that's necessary...

Gladys - NO! It is! You're right! The customer is always right! She deserves it! You're the best thousandaire we have here at the credit union, and we'd go under if we lost YOU! Excuse us; (gently pushes Mitch out of her office and shuts herself in with the teller. The sound of teller screams fill the bank.)

Teller - (in the office) Not the face! Not the face!

Gladys (in the office) - YOU (slap) WILL (slap) NEVER (slap) LET (slap) THAT (slap) MAN (slap) IN (slap) MY (slap) OFFICE (slap) AGAIN! I don't think you understand, YOUR job is to keep people like that away from me! Do whatever you have to do to make that happen! UNDERSTAND!

Teller - I understand! I understand! Please stop! I'm getting welts! It really stings!

Gladys - WHAT'S YOUR JOB???

Teller - Keep the crazies away from you! I got it! I got it!

Gladys - GOOD! (comes out of the office and puts on a big crazy smile) Things should be fine now, Mr. Johnson. Is there anything else I can do for you today? Make you some cookies? Give you a foot rub?

Mitch- Uh.. No thanks. (starts to walk out of the bank)

Gladys - (following Mitch) Wax your car? Do your laundry? Clean your bathroom?

So yes, I imagine I will get some funny looks at the bank for a while. Yay, awkwardness! My favorite!


  1. Do you think Mitch would talk to the jackasses at Verizon and straighten some things out for me? They're being quite uncooperative.

    -Jimmy G

  2. Mostly, I'm just hating you now because I think I might no longer be the funniest one in the family. Curse you!

    EDIT: "Your" instead of "You're" in Gladys' third-to-last line.

  3. Jimmy, Mitch had a miniwar with Verizon and unfortunately lost. They've got some skills beyond Mitch's abilities.

    Jon, thanks for the edit. Fixed!

  4. I keep getting telemarketers calling for my sister-in-law. Finally, yesterday, I said, "She didn't come home from work. I hope she's not dead." And I laughed and laughed: and my living room full of relatives DIDN'T think it was funny. I don't get it.


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