Guess what? Winter sucks

This is a fantasy

Hey! It's January so it's time for me to write a blog post about how much I hate winter! How original for someone who lives in Minnesota, eh?

This morning I was heading to work, driving on the rutted ice rink that is every single road in Duluth, and I noticed my gas gage pointer was almost below the E and the light was on, "OH GOOD!" I said outloud to nobody, and pulled into a gas station. I usually leave my car running while it gasses up in the winter because I'd rather blow up in a gassy fireball than shiver. Today when I was putting the nozzle in the car I noticed a sign on flourescent pink paper on the pump that said, "This pump does not stop automatically, please watch!" so I had to stand out there, in the air and freeze my ass off and watch the gas nozzle. I was tempted to just put $2.00 in and drive to another gas station, but I didn't. I stood out there until my cute little earrings were causing my earlobes to freeze in an excruciatingly painful way, so I pulled up my fleece-lined, fur covered hood. When I got back in the car I pushed my hood off to notice that my carefully blowdried hair was completely matted to my head with static. "OH GOOD!" I said again to nobody and then had to lick my palms and pat my hair down.

Then when I got to work there was no place to park so I had to invent a space in the very back of the parking lot about 50 miles from the school building, walk the stupid I'm-walking-on-ice walk with the 2 inch strides until I finally got indoors where I had to again lick my palms and pat my hair down, and stand still long enough for the ice to melt off the soles of my shoes so I didn't slip, fall down and crack my head open on the tile floors.

Then I noticed that one entire side of my brown parka was dirty with salt and car filth from my disgustingly filthy car. "OH GOOD!" I must have brushed up against it. I can't get the car washed because then the doors will freeze shut and it would just get filthy on the ride home anyway.

So if any of you reading this are in an area that doesn't have snow or ice or sub zero temperatures (Amy) thank your lucky stars and go for a walk outside because "winter wonderland" is a crock of shit.

Hard, cold reality