Movie Review

Last night Mitch and I happened to catch the last hour of the Gilligan's Island movie made in 1978 titled Rescue from Gilligan's Island. Wow. Mitch and I both saw what it was and both said that we never thought it was a real show, we thought we had dreamed it.

Here's what happened. A satellite fell to earth on Gilligan's Island. It was a Russian satellite and had some kind of alloy on it that the clever clever professor used to make a barometer and with this barometer he was able to predict a tidal wave that was going to sweep over the island. To prepare for this the castaways lashed all their huts together and hunkered down. The wave washed the hut/boat out to sea and as they were floating along, stupid Gilligan started a fire on the deck so he could cook some fish and of course it got out of control, but luckily for them a Coast Guard helicopter just happened to be flying over and happened to see the smoke so they were saved! A Coast Guard ship came and tied up to their hut/boat and dragged them to Hawaii. For some stupid reason the castaways stayed on the hut/boat instead of riding on the Coast Guard ship. I don't know why they did that because that hut/boat didn't look very seaworthy. It had a totally flat bottom with no sides, just a palm tree frame. It must have been heavy!

When they got back after being marooned for 15 years things had changed for everyone. They all went their separate ways. The Skipper and his stupid little buddy worked on the Minnow II but the insurance wouldn't pay the Skipper off until he got everyone on that fateful three hour tour to say the shipwreck wasn't his fault. First he and Gilligan went to see the professor. Why would he bring Gilligan along, you say? Because the Skipper is Gilligan's legal guardian and he's ultimately responsible for all the stupid shit Gilligan does, that's why.

The professor was back East on a college campus, trying to make all the inventions he invented in his head on the island which included a Frisbee and a skateboard. (Who knew the professor was such a slacker?) Too bad, Professor! Already invented! The professor was upset because the campus administration wanted the Professor to work more in public relations, raising money, instead of spending his time inventing stupid stuff that was already invented.

Next they went to see Ginger. She was acting again and was sad because the director and producer of her movie wanted her to take off the long evening gown and wear nothing but a smile. She said NO WAY! And it wasn't Tina Louise either, but some other actress that looked a LOT like Tina Louise.

Maryanne was supposed to get married but guess what? After 15 years of being faithful to her fiance (except for the threesie with Ginger and the Professor, and the other threesie with Lovey and Thurston. Oh, and the other threesie with the Skipper and Gilligan) she discovered that she just didn't love him anymore! Boo hoo! At the last second during the ceremony, for some ridiculous reason, the Skipper and Gilligan stole a tractor and cart and grabbed her and threw watermelons at the people chasing them. Her fiance married her best friend instead. Burn!

The Howells were doing just fine, thank you very much, but they realized that their old friends were stuck-up assholes when the Skipper and Gilligan came to visit and the rich friends called them riff raff. Gilligan wanted to know which of them was Riff and which was Raff. Idiot.

The castaways met back in L.A. over Christmas to go on another cruise together on the Skipper's new boat. Yeah, I know, what's wrong with these people? They were cruising out to sea for hours and hours and the Skipper finally said, "Huh, the compass says we are going along the coast, but it seems more like we're going out to sea!" Then Gilligan said that he fixed the compass. He took the magnet out. The Skipper yelled, "You fucking moron!" Then a storm came up and lasted for 12 days, in which they were blown all over the place. They finally surfaced on an island and you will never believe it, but it was the SAME ISLAND AS BEFORE.

Then the professor said, "I'm doing something we should have done 15 years ago!" and he ran up to Gilligan and started choking him. Then the Howells got in on it because this time they didn't pack a trunk full of money because what are the chances of being stranded twice! I'll spare you all the grim details, but they killed Gilligan and ate his flesh. Just kidding. The movie ended when they saw that they were at the same island and everyone said, "Oh Gilligan!" but I like to think they killed him. And ate him. He wasn't stupid, he was a saboteur.